Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: X-Factor, Madness, Tulisa

Saturday, 5 November 2011

image for "X-Factor Judge Tulisa Invented The Universe, Not God," Says Barking Woman
Stoat's Boyfriend Kevin, Pictured With His Pet Gerbil, Wodewick.

According to X-Factor fan, Selina Stoat, of Barking, in Essex, God didn't create the universe in six days, as per the Bible, but Tulisa out of N-Dubz did - sometime in 1998, according to Stoat.

Stoat, an unemployed coypu sexer, stated emphatically that the universe never existed before 1998, adding that there never was a son of God - only twin daughters - Tulisa, and Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle.

Who by Stoat's own admission were not 'identical'.

"It's all bollocks is that history malarkey," Stoat philosophised at a bus stop in Barking as she necked a can of Special Brew. "The fact is that there was nothing until Tulisa created the universe. And she did it all with three empty corn flake packets, a tube of PVA glue, a handful of pipe cleaners, some paper clips, a couple of sheets of sticky backed plastic, some cotton wool, a compact mirror and a wire coathanger. She's fuckin' wonderful is Tulisa."

Academics were quick to rubbish Stoat's claims, with most dismissing her as a delusional alcoholic with obsessive tendencies.

"How does she explain the fossil record then?" one raged.

"And what about the Romans?" another - rather more polite one - enquired.

The big sticking point came with the assertion by evolutionists that England won the World Cup in 1966 at Wembley, which seems debatable at best.

"She seems to have a point there," conceded TV MOTD presenter, Gary Linebacker. "I mean, that seems about as far fetched a tale as the American moon landing in 1969."

"Or the Rapture," somebody called out from the gallery.

Stoat was last seen screeching that she would one day be proved right, as she tried to evade a bunch of men in white coats wielding big nets and shouting frantically as they tried to get her loaded into the back of a van.

Tulisa herself would only say, as she left her West London home en route for the X-Factor studios:

"Of course I didn't invent the universe in 1998 - that's just silly. That would make Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh thirteen years old. That's stretching credibility a bit far. Don't you think?"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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