Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 2 November 2011

image for Kris Humphries and Zooey Deschanel Hook Up After Mutual Break Up
Deschanel, still a bit short for an NBA player. She's at least nicer than Kim.

Kim Kardashian's throw-away husband Kris Humphries, apparently didn't mind his separation and freedom having been recently linked to an almost divorced Zooey Deschanel, star of the Fox hit series "New Girl" and ex-partner to Death Cab for Cutie lead singer, Ben Gibbard.

With that last sentence being a bit of a mouthful, a handful and a head full, "So was Kim", commented Humphries' personal trainer Scotty Deltoids. "Kris married Kim for all the right reasons I think, but what a selfish, vapid and insensitive little media queen, that one". Deltoids had no confirmation about the Deschanel connection. "I can't give you any confirmation about the Deschanel connection", said Deltoids, mimicking our description of his quote. "I do like saying the name Zooey however".

Humphries and Deschanel could not be found for comment, but insiders at the watch group FPBFNA say that people who look exactly like Humphries and Deschanel have been seen around the Minneapolis dance club scene and camped out at the local Hilton Hotel. Room service manager at the Hilton, Rob Shilston says, "I don't know who they are, but they keep calling for champagne and oysters, and extra towels to clean up the mess". Paris Hilton was however reached for comment and added, "That's Hot".

Head of the Former Pro Basketball / Fox Network Actors (FPBFNA) fan club, Cindy Wannamaker says, "We're camped out at every hotel exit with disposable wedding cameras, but the ones without a built in flash because they were too expensive, so we'll have to catch them in the daylight if we're lucky, or maybe we will put some of our club members inside the lobby to snap them at check out, if they ever check out that is. I wonder if my Depends super absorbent diaper will hold out that long?" We stopped asking Wannamaker any questions after that.

Despite all the press that Kardashian will likely receive after her arduous and tortured two excruciatingly painful months of marriage, others hope Humphries finds a little happiness after being connected to the insanity of the Karplastican family. "Kris is a good dude and deserves a little normal in his life", says Deltoids. "I hope he finds it with that chick named Zooey. Cool name. Kris seems to like the short ones though".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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