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Wednesday, 2 November 2011

image for 3D Dorking Review Movie Release Scheduled To Coincide With London 2012 Olympics
Not Shuttlecock Again - I Really Must Get A Proper Job - Spielberg, Speaking Yesterday/

The much heralded 3D movie version release of best selling pay per view book, 'The Dorking Review' - which looks highly likely to revolutionise the way we look at 'Money For Funny' entertainment, looks all set to be released to coincide with the 2012 London Olympic Games opening ceremony, with a cynical eye on maximising publicity.

"We'll probably premiere in some pub up Turnham Green," the mastermind behind the project, Churchmouse said. "It'll certainly be an experience, one that viewers won't forget in a hurry, and it'll be more entertaining than people running about on a track, or throwing stuff about. We've got a 3D digitised version of Harpo Marx playing me. Apparently. Probably because I'm quiet in real life, hence the name, Churchmouse."

Details are a little sketchy at the moment, but it appears that Hollywood has pulled out all the stops in a bid to make the movie as authentic and cutting edge as possible. Quentin Tarantino has revealed that his segment will mainly consist of former Oasis frontman Noel Gallagher - portraying DR writer Iain B - spitting out chunks of hotdog as he unwittingly watches Stalybridge Celtic lose a penalty shootout in an FA Cup quarter final tie at Old Trafford.

The segment featuring Lynton - inspired by Jaques Tati - involves an Englishman living in Paris attempting to sell ice creams at inflated prices to Scousers in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower, and pedalling like the clappers as he attempts to escape, without giving the Mickeys refunds.

The Robert J Halls segment, directed by Terry Gilliam, depicts the artist wondering 'how the fuck' he can conjure up a viable image of a man taking a python for a walk across a busy road. Which is indeed a bit of a poser...for even the nimblest of minds.

The armfeetandtoe segment of this 3D extravaganza is directed by Ken Loach, and focuses on the trials and tribulations of a homeless man, offered sanctuary in a good friend's loft - providing he shares it with an adopted snow leopard and a colony of crazy fruit bats.

Not to mention the lunatics who live below. The less said about them, the better. It seems that they make exceedingly weird videos. Which they then upload onto the internet in search of unsuspecting victims.

The much maligned Bolivian despot, Colonel Juan's segment is commonly believed to come next. Rumour has it that this sequence, directed by Kenneth Branagh, features the Colonel rushing up and down the stairs, sinking several bottles of Merlot, as he attempts to keep up with calls from his agent, whilst showering the audience with peanuts, and calling them all "CUNTS!" in the manner of the late and sorely missed comedian, Peter Cook.

Who would undoubtedly have been proud.

Following this, Alan Whicker introduces Ellis Ian Fields's guide to the world as we know it, in full HD and 3D, with asides by prominent historian Ken Lucid, and a completely unexpected and uncharacteristic splat in the eye from the leaning tower of Pisa.

Directed by porn star, Peter North, and featuring a guest appearance by the University Challenge team of Magdelene College, Oxford. Not to mention a crap CGI rendition of the late and dear departed Princess Of Wales hailing a taxi - outside Lynton's house in Paris.

For some inexplicable reason.

Co-Directed by Bob Mortimer, and Roman Polanski.

(Bored yet? I am. - Ed)

Churchmouse's segment is based in the Blind Beggar pub in Whitechapel, as he makes a triumphant homecoming, reminisces about his Cockernee roots, does Spike Milligan impressions, and tells a bunch of taxi drivers that he lost a fucking fortune investing in those losers who contributed to The Dorking Review. So he's going to get legendary East End hardman, Dave Courtney, to sort the fuckers out so he can recoup his lost investment. The 3D bit comes when CM throws vegetable samosas from Brick Lane at the camera. As portrayed by the aforementioned digitised version of Harpo Marx.

Directed by Guy Ritchie.

The Pinxit section of this 3D extravaganza is eagerly anticipated to feature Vincent Van Gogh, and his travails as an unsuccessful artist, driven to such desperation that he cuts his own ear off in a moving statement about a lost love. This bit will be directed by Ingmar Bergman, and filmed in black and white, apart from the blood from the severed ear scene, which will be a brilliant ruby red, and hurtle towards the viewer in stunning 3D - until it suddenly and inexplicably gets devoured by pirhanas. The subtitles will principally feature foul and abusive language, in English, delivered in a carrot crunching Hampshire local yokel accent.

As the film winds down, we are transported to the beautiful, rugged landscape of the English Lake District, where we come across (Not in a pornographic way, the producers hasten to add.) a certain Mr Erskin Quint, wandering (In a Wordsworth way, the producers admit.) as lonely as a cloud, furiously jotting down notes on a WH Smith back to school notepad with a Bic biro, the outline for the latest edition of the Shylock Humes chronicles. As he completely ignores a host of golden daffodils, and a local entrepreneur getting his leg over with his personal secretary in the back seat of a Honda Civic - this is a man who suffers for his art.

At least until it starts pissing it down with rain, at which juncture, Quint finds solace and sanctuary in the snug bar of the Fatted Calf Inn, jotting down notes whilst earnestly appraising the ample cleavage of local barmaid, Tasha, and savouring a pint of Old Monkey Fiddlers best barley wine. (ABV - 29%)

At which point, we are mysteriously transported to the lone star state of Texas, in the good old US of A, where Dora Piebottom, aka Madame Bitters, dispenses good advice to some pretty messed up customers, at about a tenth of the going rate for a qualified therapist, although her advice is usually far superior. Put upon cake baker, Madame B, will apparently be portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer, and the segment will be directed by Martin Scorsese, as MB goes on a gun rampage, shooting (But not killing.) several Texas postal employees. Bitters will not be depicted emerging topless from a big cream cake, although the 3D element might have made things infinitely more interesting.

Unfortunately, it seems to be all downhill from there, as the film draws to its anticlimactic climax, with footage of a lonely old transvestite pounding furiously at a computer keyboard, with spaghetti Bolognese and a pork pie hat on his head, (Now there's a curious combination - Ed) and a gerbil (Which he reported to the police as 'missing') wedged firmly up his jacksie. As he consumes copious quantities of Belgian lager and Chianti Classico, wearing a bizarre Halloween wig and pink Marigold kitchen gloves. And chain smoking roll-ups, or Strangeways spiderlegs, as he calls them.

It promises to be a bleak ending to what hitherto appeared to be an uplifting and inspirational piece of cinematographic history.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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