Written by IainB
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Sunday, 30 October 2011

image for Jo Brand kidnapped by a bull seal
Jo Brand rests before being rescued

During the filming of the second series of her TV show Jo Brand's Big Splash Jo Brand was captured by a bull seal just off the coast of Orkney.

"It was very exciting," said Brand after she was rescued. "Not."

Jo Brand was attempting to swim from the islands to the highlands as part of the show when an amorous bull seal took a liking to Jo as she ploughed through the waves like a Ferguson tractor.

"I think it was my choice of cossie that got him all excited," Brand said. "I have that effect on men. Well blind ones anyway. They like a bit more tactile feedback. Kate Moss is a story that's over too soon, me they can read for days."

Despite having already swum just over half a mile, Brand was dragged back to Orkney by the seal, and onto the rocks.

"We scrambled the emergency boat," said Dick Quicker, the producer for the show. "We managed to get there before anything untoward happened between Jo and the bull seal."

"I was really pissed off," said Brand. "You should have seen the size of the bull seal's penis. I was quite looking forward to that part. I'd put up with the being dragged back over the bit I'd already swum, I didn't like the being dragged over sharp rocks wearing nothing but a thin cotton cossie, but I put up with it."

According to Quicker, filming of the second series of Big Splash has been put on hold, as Jo Brand has chartered a flight back to Orkney looking for a seal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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