Funeral services for Pat Robertson will be held this Friday after the televangelist exploded, witnesses say "in a billion and one pieces" after Denzel Washington announced last night that the Golden Globe winner of best drama was .. Brokeback Mountain." Scientists for years have studied the phenomena of "spontaneous human combustion" but have yet to verify a single case of "spontaneous human EXPLOSION" until .. last night .. before a live TBN audience of 22 million.
"It was a bloody bloody mess to clean-up" says one TBN janitor who said, "Thank God for the Dallas police forensics team who did most of the mopping along with some of our TBN kids who assisted with the final mop-thru."
One witness to the explosion said that Robertson, on air, watching the Golden Globe awards "went zonkers after the announcement. " The witness told reporters,
"After Denzel announced that Brokeback Mountain had won, Mr Robertson began condemning just about everybody I know of to Hell, Hades, Pergatory, Tatooine, places even I don't know about, condemning every possible THING there is including the state of Wyoming, cowboys in general, Cher, Mother Teresa, Hollywood, Martha Stewart, Janet, La Toya, Tito AND Jermaine Jackson, the Pope all the way down to his own mother until, all of a sudden he turned to a bright shade of beet-red then .. BOOM! ... Blood, guts and Robertson all over the TBN set. I'm sure glad I didn't have to clean that up."
Michael Jackson, longtime Pat Robertson fan made a rare public statement after the explosion saying,
"Pat blew up. I loved Pat AND the TBN kids and now this to happen. God-Speed Mr Robertson. Don't worry, I'll take care of the TBN kids."
TBN says that Robertson's last request of being cremated and his ashes molded into the shape of a cross then shoved down the throat of the nearest FOX network programming executive til he gagged on his own vomit will unfortunately NOT be carried out but do say that they, TBN will televise Robertson's live cremation Friday (10 AM Eastern, 12 PM Central) check your local listings.
Brokeback Mountain Director Ang Lee says that he's sorry Mr Robertson exploded because of his movie but told reporters,
"Same thing would have happened if Desperate Housewives had won. Same thing. Boom. Godspeed Mr Robertson."