Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 27 October 2011

image for The Kinetic King Appears On "The View" And Finally Explains Why He Dumped Heidi Montag
The view from the front door of The China Closet Arena in Shanghai, China. (Photo by Jackie Chan).

HOLLYWOOD - The Kinetic King, whose real name is Tim Ford, appeared on The View to explain his side of the story as to why he had dumped Heidi Montag.

KK as he is known professionally had recently appeared on America's Got Talent where he performed his rather unusual talent known as Kinesiology X7, which is the physically mechanical act of inducing movements in items and objects.

The Kinetic King's unique act consists of assembling thousands and thousands of items and objects on stage which he then proceeds to knock down in a chain reaction collapsing and knocking down the next item and in turn knocking down the next one and so on and so forth until the very last object is knocked down.

In his act, he employs a multitude of objects and gadgets which include dominoes, tongue depressors, playing cards, Saltine Crackers, tinker toys, Popsicle sticks, Lego's, soda cans, empty pink tampon dispensers, and Pop Tarts.

When Heidi Montag first saw him perform his act on America's Got Talent in late September she immediately was attracted to him, not only physically and sexually, but emotionally, mentally, and even politically.

The two dated a couple of times and then she said that all of a sudden he broke up with her. According to her hair stylist FuFi Fondue, Heidi was absolutely devastated.

She appeared on The View in early October and told her side of the story. Barbara Walters the shows producer and head host invited KK to appear on the show and present his side of the story which he finally agreed to do.

KK told Walters that he really and truly liked Montag. He said that he's basically just a simple Minnesota guy and that he found Heidi to be quite the experienced woman.

He confided to Walters that Montag showed him some intimate 'positions' that he had never used or even heard of. He blushed and revealed that she had even used some words and phrases during the mattress merriment that he had never heard of, including the two times that he had seen the Playboy Channel.

Walters asked him if he was so thrilled at being with such a gorgeous and experienced woman why did he feel the need to end their relationship.

He blushed some more and told her that the only reason that he broke up with Heidi was because she smelled highly of plastic, for the obvious reasons.

"Thirty-eight surgeries?" Walters asked.

"Yes ma'am" KK replied as he pointed out that he was allergic to plastic as it made him break out in hives and it also made his ears tingle to the point where he would have to literally scream out due to the tremendous itching.

SIDENOTE: The Kinetic King says that he is scheduled to appear at The China Closet Arena in Shanghai, China on Christmas Day, where he will be setting up and knocking down 42,987 egg rolls which will break the old record which currently stands at 42,984.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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