Written by IainB
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Monday, 24 October 2011

image for New Marriage style guidance for bands
Noel Gallagher has a habit of throwing tangerines.

A new service has been set up by the Music And Record Industry to help groups who are suffering from musical differences.

"We're operating it like a marriage guidance service," said Simon Kologie, the head therapist at Musical Differences Incorporated. "We're independent of any record label, and our service is available to any band suffering from a break-up."

Already the new service has had a couple of major successes, with The Stone Roses and Steps both making use of it to overcome their petty squabbles and get back together.

"We let the band members vent their frustrations and disagreements in an open and friendly environment," said Kologie. "We then try to come to rational and equitable arrangements suitable to all parties."

The Gallagher brothers, Noel and Liam, along with former bandmate, Bonehead, are currently undergoing therapy in the hope that they can finally complete their 2007 tour that had just three gigs left.

"We're hopeful that Oasis can reform inside the next five years, although I have to admit that they are a stubborn act," admitted Kologie. "We've had to take the fruit out of the waiting room when they are coming. We're still trying to get the banana stain out of the Monet."

The largest session Kologie has ever been involved in was the London Philharmonic Orchestra, who nearly split last year. "We had to hold that in the Albert Hall," he said. "That's the second time we've had to hire that venue. The other time was when we counselled UB40."

Other groups on MDI's books are Westlife and Lily Allen.

"Lily's an unusual case," said Kologie in confidence. "She's never actually been in a band. She has musical differences with herself. It's a rare case. Westlife, on the other hand, have just split. With them, it's a grieving process. Hopefully, we can help them past this."

Take That have admitted that they have MDI on retainer to ensure that Robbie stays with the group until they have finished their next studio album and done another tour.

"Robbie Williams does not actually attend any of the sessions," said Kologie, "which is a shame. Instead he has his own private therapist to help convince him that he doesn't get abducted by aliens every night."

One group Kologie would dearly like to see on his very long couch is the Rolling Stones.

"It's about time they split up," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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