Winner of the X-Factor and now international megastar, Susan Boyle, has been on the look out for Mr Right for some time, and has now abandoned her search in favour of Paul Gascoigne.
"He's not Mr Right," said Boyle through an interpreter, "but he'll do. He's Mr Right Now."
Gascoigne, for his part, has been drunk for so long that he has permanently attached beer-goggles and would find the offspring of a hippo and an armadillo attractive.
"Ah, she's no looker," said the ex-England football star through a different interpreter. "But she'll do me."
The pair have had a few dates now, with Gascoigne wining and dining Boyle in all the fanciest Newcastle restaurants, such as the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet in New Market Square. Such is the understanding the pair have discovered they have no further need of their interpreters and understand everything they need to know about each other.
"She's a canny lass," said Gascoigne. "She sure can hold her beer."
"He's a funny guy," said Boyle. "He doesn't throw up after eating a deep fried kebab."
The pair plan on having a January wedding, sponsored by Carlsberg, and Gascoigne doesn't mind if John Terry comes, knowing that Boyle is one WaG safe from Terry's clutches.
"I hope it's snowing," said Boyle. "Snow is so romantic."
"I hope it's snowing too," said Gascoigne. "It's the only white that's going to be at that wedding, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do."
The pair both have nicknames and wish to follow in the footsteps as such celebrities as Brad and Angelina and the Conservative Democrats by merging their nicknames into one new surname.
"Obviously, the man has to come first," said Boyle.
"That's not what you said last night, you filthy minx," said Gascoigne about to give Boyle a friendly punch on the arm, before remembering the instructions of the last judge he saw.
"We'll be mixing Gazza and Subo," she said, laughing. "We'll be called Gazebo."