Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, emerged from his Shuttlecock Mansions abode in Titchfield this evening, in order to address reporters, who were covering his latest internet/multimedia smash: The Bright Side. Which shamelessly promotes the best selling internationally available paperback edition of The Dorking Review.
Shuttlecock related that he hasn't ever really sung in public before, so he was a bit nervous about singing not one, but TWO songs on a site that people actually look at.
"I had to go up the Co-Op first," Shuttlecock revealed. "To get some Belgian beer and all that. Bit of Dutch courage, but sort of sourced in Belgium - that sort of thing. Anyway..."
Asked why he keeps saying "Anyway..." in his crap videos, Shuttlecock broke new ground by declaring:
"I'm Skoob1999 really. But don't tell anybody. I used to be Reddon as well, but that's a story best not explored. Anyway...right...what it is...right...anyway...and anyway...and that...what it is right..."
Before going on to pay homage to The Dorking Review, his long suffering wife, and all those lovely people at www.TheSpoof.co.uk and www.TheSpoof.com who have tolerated his nonsensical outpourings.
A clearly emotional Shuttlecock, took the podium in Portsmouth's historic Guildhall Square, and told nobody in particular:
"I'd like to thank the academy, and The Dorking Review, and the lovely people of Dorking. But most of all, I'd like to thank my beautiful and charming wife - who taught me how to swear like a proper flip flopping trooper. Watch the video and see how she harmonises like a true pro. A proper diamond she is. You can't just do 'Oh Mister Porter' and 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' just off the cuff. You can't wing that stuff. It needs rehearsal - which we did in the car on the way to the Co-Op. Dead good it was.
"I had to have motivation, so I thought about Colonel Juan continually calling me 'a silly ****' in dispatches, Lynton telling me to calm down, Ellis telling me that I've got it all wrong, Pinxit telling me that I need to step up my game, Matt Hatt telling me to not even consider stand-up as a proper job, as I'm not physical enough (I'm just a waif and a dwarf) Iain B reassuring me that whatever the problem, there's an app for it, and Bobby the Rebel telling me that QPR rule the world.
"That's really taking the piss. Rebel's probably still lobbing one off the wrist over Stan Bowles. Anyway...A special shout out to all you lovely Spoofers - especially the ladies, you know who you are, and I love you all..."
At which point, a passing member of the public declared:
"Are you talking to me? You blinking tosser?!"
"Nah mate, you got me all wrong," a quivering Shuttlecock retorted. "I think I'll get me coat..."
"Yeah, do that and **** off you **** head," the man responded.
"I'm going...yeah, right, anyway...."
Things then apparently turned ugly.
Gore as we meat it.