Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 13 October 2011

image for Ashton's Arse is Toast after Gal Pal Gloats
Camera phone pictures of Ashton's feet

What started out as a string of plausibly deniable accusations over an alcohol induced rendezvous between Ashton Kutcher and a young blonde from who-cares-where, has blossomed into a full bore media bonanza now that the youngster, Sara Leal has just emerged as Andy Warhol's favorite celebrity du-jour.

Whilst other media outlets focus on the seedy details of the still alleged tryst, Spoof reporters have been focusing on what fate might befall the young Ashton now that Demi Moore knows the whole story.

Demi, who could quite literally kick box her way through a crowded hotel lobby filled with Ninjas and a last-place American football team, has been known to wear a few pair of trousers in her role as head of the family. "Nice boy, Ashton. Sit!" There are those friends close to the Kutcher-Moore household who now fear for the young Kutcher's health and welfare. "Forget the lawyers", says Moore's personal assistant, Mandy Pepperidge, "She could rip open his chest and feed him his own ribs for dinner".

Friends of Kutcher rallied around those same fears at first, offering their own homes as safe havens from the expected beating. After careful consideration however, all had dropped their offers, realizing that they might fall on Demi's "bad side". "Nobody wants to get their arse kicked by a 48 year old chick with mad fighting skills and a bad attitude", said one friend of Kutcher who preferred to remain nameless.

Insiders at Moore's publicity firm confirm the volatility now brewing at her primary residence. "Let's just say that Demi's monthly package was delivered a bit early", says Sue Seykue who also suggested that we stay clear of the house ourselves.

Only time will tell the fate of young Mr. Kutcher, though Vegas has the odds listed for his short term survival at 30:1. Odds makers suggest that we take Demi, with a Candlestick in the Library over Ashton's cunning avoidance strategy.

In a related story, Ashton Kutcher was just placed on the endangered species list for former underwear models featured on billboards in Time Square. Apparently, not many are still found in the wild.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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