Written by Vivek Sharma
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Topics: Rap

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Last night a whole ream of Gangsta Rap lyrics were found beaten up and lying unconscious upon the sidewalk of Wiltshire Boulevard in Los Angeles. Bloodied and bruised, the lyrics were taken by ambulance to Mount Sinai hospital for immediate medical supervision.

Dr Gregory Bernstein, chief physician said "The lyrics have taken quite a battering but they're tough cookies. We're pretty confident that most of them will pull through."

The lyrics which have yet to be identified display all the classic traits of Gangsta Rap.

Dr Bernstein continued "There are multiple uses of Motherf@*£%$, Ho, bitch, suck, 50 carat, blow ur brains out, Uzi and AK, all vital parts of Gangsta Rap and it looks like these reoccurring phrases seem to be recovering well."

Others dealing with religious and racial hatred and homophobia are not doing so well.

Dr Bernstein added "the various references to homophobia seem to be on their last legs, some may never fully recover."

Dr. Doc Dog, spokesman for the Federation of Gangsta Rap lyrics, said "We all got real frowns, cause our Bro's have been taken down by some motherf@*£%$ foes, we're gonna dig deep, find those creeps, then bury their asses under dat street."

Police are closing in on a list of suspects this morning. But chief suspect and Gangsta Rap's arch enemy, Rock Anthems, was ruled out of all investigations last night. LA Police chief Rick Martinez said "I can confirm that Rock Anthems is currently on tour on the East coast and has been for the last 3 months thus ruling out its involvement in last nights brutal assault."

Other suspects such as Mainstream pop, Country, R&B and Pop Idol winners were considered too weak or incapable of sustaining such an attack. The conspiracy buffs are out in force and seem to be pointing to Simon Cowell, who they reckon masterminded a hit and run on the Gangsta Rap lyrics so he could muscle in and cream some of their profits. However following an interview with Cowell this morning LA police have let him go with just a signed photograph.

With the list of suspects dwindling, Police have turned their attention to the Blues. Suffering from a never ending bout of depression, the Blues, may have taken their frustration out on the unsuspecting Gangsta Rap lyrics who were, at the time, on their way to score drugs.

As recent toxicology reports have testified, the lyrics were already as 'high as octaves' at the time.

"Lets not forge,t" said Rick Martinez, "the blues are always down and looking for something to get high with. Maybe they busted the Gangsta Rap lyrics for some drugs".

However another shock contender for prime suspect has emerged. At the time the Gangsta Rap lyrics were being taken down, residents and business owners reported hearing a rising crescendo of high pitched sweeping strings followed by a loud and often intimidating horn section.

Local socialite, Eva Henderez said "It was majestic, inspiring, like it was rising, gushing, heralding the arrival of something immense."

Local wine bar owner Paul Martelli knows exactly what he heard at the time "I can name that tune in two bars. It was... the tune from Apocalypse Now. Best war movie ever made."

The witnesses are of course referring to Wagner's The Ride of the Valkyries also featured more recently in the movie The Watchmen. This dramatic Operatic epic was created by Richard Wagner in 1851 in homage to the female figures from Norse Legend who decide who will die in battle. The Ride of the Valkyries have, in the past, been associated with dawn ariel raids on targets in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle. It now seems that they are turning their attention to more modern foes in the urban jungle.

Gangsta Rap Lyrics are fiercely protective of their territory. Any unsuspecting lyrics that find themselves crossing into Gangsta Rap's turf often find themselves being showered by whole verses of profanity or choruses of dark threatening innuendo involving the use of weapons as sex aids or sex aids as weapons.

But this time the Gangsta Rap lyrics may have just got their homey asses whipped in a showdown with The Ride of the Valkyries.

Rick Martinez said "We're definitely looking at the Ride of the Valkyries. They've had scuffles before and there was the smell of napalm in the air. You don't wanna be messing the Valkyries they're major league."

The power generated by the sheer musical intensity of the Ride of the Valkyries should be not be underestimated.

As witness Paul Martelli says "If the strings don't blow you off your feet those horns are gonna make you shit your guts."

The case against the Ride of the Valkyries seems to be gathering momentum. In the last few minutes the, as yet unidentified, Gangsta Rap lyrics issued a short but terse statement through their lawyers. It read "F@*£ You Ho's." LA Police have interpreted the plural use of Ho as a significant indicator that there are multiple woman involved.

With a showdown between the The Ride of the Valkyries and the Gangsta Rap Lyrics imminent LA Police will have to act quick to prevent a bloodbath of musical scales and half formed expletives. Within the last few minutes Chart topping rapper Jay Z issued a statement pleading for calm:

''Everyone's gotta play it cool, my homeboys and our classical cousins. We can't do anything rash, let's get it together, maybe in a studio, mix it up a little, remix a little more and create some beautiful music instead."

Lets hope this final plea has an effect on both musical genres and does not fall on deaf ears.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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