Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 8 October 2011

image for Heidi Montag's Meltdown On 'The View' Caused By A Sudden Surge of Plastic
A photo of Whoopi Goldberg's pet cat which she named Kuddles Kitty Kat (KKK).

HOLLYWOOD - Barbara Walters, star of The View, says that she has seen it all but she said that she had not seen what occurred to recent guest Heidi Montag.

Montag appeared on the show and was interviewed by Joy "Hey You" Behar who asked her about her and Zac Efron moonbathing down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

Heidi blushed and said that it was true but added that it was personal and that she did not want to talk about it.

Behar then asked her about the rumor that she had been asked to participate with Steven Tyler and his lady friend Kate Gosselin in a menage-a-trois also down in Cabo San Lucas.

Montag turned pinkish and stated that it was true but that she was not on the show to discuss that very personal invitation which she said she had to turn down due to the dreaded 'red snapper.'

"TMI!" Shouted Walters.

"Yeah, I agree. TMI" Remarked Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

"Hey y'all what da hell duz TMI mean anyhow?" Asked a puzzled Sherri Shepherd.

"Texas Military Institute." Whoopi Goldberg hollered out jokingly.

"Huh?"

Goldberg then said, "Dammit, Sherri, ju means ta tells me dat ju be a sista from da hood and ju don't know what da hell TMI means?"

"Too Much Information" Elisabeth Hasselbeck quickly chimed in.

"Say there you little white, skinny, cracker bitch," Whoopi yelled out angrily, "Why duz you be's tellin her what it stand fo when I was 'bout ta teller, I swear between you and dat other honky blonde fruit cup Ann Coulter there ain't no friggin room fo dat Paris Hilton flake at da Holiday Inn no way."

(Barbara) Walters jumped in and told all the girls to settle down because they were on her show and not at Sarah Palin's effen house in Alaska where her disrespectful daughters Bristol, Willow, and Piper all do and say whatever they freakin please.

Montag asked if everyone could possibly get back to focusing on her since she was after all the damn guest.

Behar laughed. Goldberg laughed. And Hasselbeck said "Hey Heidi ho dat was a good one girlfriend."

Montag grinned and said that she wanted to say that she was thrilled that President Obama and the "First Mama" Michelle had attended the July 15, Beverly Hills premier of her recent film The Naked Cougar of Cucamonga.

Hasselbeck asked, "What's he really like?"

"White girls!" Came the reply from Whoopi who got a high five from Joy Behar.

Montag asked if it was her turn. Whoopi said go for it kid. Heidi said that the president likes baby back ribs, mashed potatoes, and jalapeño nachos.

Walters asked Montag about the fact that she had recently gotten dumped by Tim Ford, alias The Kinetic King of America's Got Talent Fame.

Montag got very quiet. Her eyes teared up and she started crying softly at first but then Hasselbeck told her to answer the question and Heidi just lost it.

She started crying so much that she actually fell off the sofa but luckily Behar managed to grab her by one of her tits and prevented her from falling face first on the floor.

Walters quickly went to a commercial. When she returned she explained to the viewers that Heidi Montag had, had a meltdown due to the fact that her being dumped by The Kinetic King has been tremendously hard on her.

She pointed out that Montag was being tended to by the shows in house physician Dr. Pasquale Montepulciano who had given her some medication to relieve the sudden surge of plastic that had gotten lodged into her tonsils.

SIDENOTE: Barbara Walters stated after the show that she called up The Kinetic King and he will be appearing in a future edition of The View to reveal the reason or reasons why he dumped Heidi Montag.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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