Written by Big Stu

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Tuesday, 4 October 2011

image for Spielberg talks of the 'Scottish' dinosaur in new Jurassic Park film
Ann Widdecombe to star in new Jurassic Park film?

Executive producer and director Steven Spielberg has hinted at some of the details of the new Jurassic Park film at a press conference in Hollywood earlier today.

The story for the new film was actually found in the DNA of a film critic sealed in amber in 1997 for suggesting the film was simply a marketing exercise. Using the latest resequencing technology, described by writers as: "some WD-40, hairy string and a bloody big hammer", the film returns to the island almost ten years after cinematographers declared it extinct.

"People have said this is just a big marketing exercise, but this is simply not true," Spielberg said today, wearing a Jurassic Park 3-D tee-shirt and baseball cap and taking sandwiches from a Jurassic Park 3D lunchbox with holographic logo and matching Thermos flask. "We have come up with lots of new ideas and, this time, we are confident that it's going to work perfectly. We've spared no expense."

One of the new dinosaurs to feature in the film was also revealed today. Found beneath the ruins of a Glasgow pub, the new dinosaur has been called the "Wee Jock Manosaur". Paleontologists believe the animal to have been around five feet four in height with a mane of distinctive red hair and probably died as a result of a bad result at Ibrox. In the film, the dinosaur's terrifying calls of: "What ye lukin at, pal?" and "Get tey fook" are shown, as are its devastating attack called the Glasgee Handshake, delivered by the dinosaur's boney forehead. The dinosaur was believed to have been slow and plodding but could run at incredible speeds, especially on Giro days or when carrying stolen televisions.

The other dinosaur, the Tevezosaur, was going to be featured but said it didn't want to leave the bench.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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