Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 30 September 2011

image for Ashton Kutcher Denies He's Leaving Demi Moore Because He Allegedly Caught Her Playing 'Touchy-Touchy' With Jada Pinkett-Smith
The Hollywood press corps asking Ashton Kutcher about the Demi Moore-Jada Pinkett-Smith rumor. (Photo by Rick Chorizo).

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Ashton Kutcher the new star of Two and A Half Men was asked about the rumor that his older wife (Demi Moore) and Will Smith's wife (Jada Pinkett-Smith) may have engaged in an innocent game of touchy-touchy or as it is more commonly referred to in Beverly Hills high society circles as belly bumping.

Kutcher was approached by Fuchsia Garfunkel of The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle as he sat having breakfast at The Zorba The Geek Diner in Tarzana.

At first Ashton pretended not to hear the question. But after Garfunkel repeated it a second time he told her that he would respond to her question but that they had to go outside and sit in his brand new fully loaded Lamborghini Murcielago.

Miss Garfunkel readily obliged. As they sat in the car she asked Kutcher if he could turn off his CD player because she could barely hear him over the sounds of Led Zeppelin's "Livin' Lovin' Maid (She's Just A Woman)" blaring from his $28,000 state-of-the-art auto sound system.

Ashton turned the CD off and told "Foo Foo" as Fuchsia is known by many Hollywood celebrities that he is not planning on leaving Demi and that he has no idea where the rumor about his cougar wife engaging in some intimate joyfulness with Will Smith's wife came from.

Miss Garfunkel remarked that she heard that it came from the supermarket tabloid Just Saying. He looked at her and said, "You don't say?" And she replied, "No, Just Saying, I've never heard of the supermarket tabloid You Don't Say."

Kutcher started laughing so hard he accidentally grabbed Miss Garfunkel's left knee. She quickly took his right hand off of her left knee and she left no doubt in his mind that he had no right to be touching her and acting as if he was Charlie friggin Sheen.

Ashton smiled and said that Sheen is much, much shorter than him and that he smells like a space alien.

Garfunkel quickly got out of the car and walked over to her KIA Spectra and drove away mumbling something about Kutcher looking like a sex-starved caveman.

In a somewhat related story. The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle is reporting that the rumor about Jennifer Lopez being caught making out with Will Smith underneath the Santa Monica Pier has been proven to be totally without foundation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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