Written by Nick Hobbs
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Sunday, 25 September 2011

image for Spoiler Alert: East Enders Christmas Plot Revealed In Full: Pat's Death A Certainty
Trying to put out Pat's burning body in the Thames.

BBC bosses are said to be furious that a source in their headquarters has leaked the plans for the Christmas plot run of EastEnders.

But their annoyance won't stop me from publishing a massive spolier for fans of the show.

It was revealed that writers of the depressing soap are to kill of Fat Pat Evans (née Harris; previously Beale, Wicks and Butcher), played by portly, bi-sexual actress, Fat Pam St Clement, over the festive season, giving everyone something to look forward to at this time of peace, love and understanding.

A fire was to rip through Albert Square and kill off the most married character in TV history, but exact details were sketchy.

But my mole within BBC Television House has confirmed that Pat's own earrings will become trapped in a doorway, making it impossible for her to escape, as a chip pan fire rages through her kitchen.

She is to cook up some healthy, deep-fried, nuggets and chips for Liam, Morgan and Tiffany, (her relations somehow, I can't work out what they are to her though!) to eat as their traditional Christmas dinner, when she receives a call from Dr Yusef Kahn.

Distracted by the call from her new secret lover, she fails to notice Tiffany bringing in the Coronation Street cat, through a side door.

Tiffany, being young, sweet and innocent (with mild undertones of ginger-retard) decides to see how long it will take to deep fry the oppositions cat.

An explosion of fur, fried food and flame ensues, totally missing Tiffany who is stood over the frier, but engulfing the kitchen in fiery hell.

Pat, hearing the noise, drops the handset, all dramatically, like, and turns to run in to the kitchen. But as she spins around, her famously mahoosive ear hoops snag in the hallway and she is jammed solid. Like a whale in a drainpipe.

Meanwhile, Yusef, hearing what is happening from the other end of the 'phone, gives a wry smile to the camera, because he had previously told Tiffany to fry the cat, as it would make Pat happy.

He was angry that Pat had betrayed his trust, when she told Massoud about their love tryst. Massoud immediately went to the Vic and told Dot, who was having a sherry, for medicinal purposes.

Dot, angered that Yusef was now two timing stroke-victim Jim runs out of the Vic and has a ciggarette.

Meanwhile the fire rages on, as Pat whimpers and wrestles with her clasps. Unable to get free, and being overwhelmed with smoke, she sees Frank in a vision, and he tells her he loves her.

Tiffany makes good her escape, just as the kitchen roof collapses. Few that was close.

Outside, Ricky notices some smoke pouring through a downstairs window, and proceeds to run, shouting, aimlessly around the Square calling for help, which in turn gathers the rest of the important cast members (and a few unknowns) to assemble out the front of Pats house to watch, as she burns to death inside.

Sirens blare in the background, knowingly signalling that the fire service are on their way, but they'll be too late.

A mellow version of the theme tune closes the programme, to a montage of Pat's life, as the fire service sit down to a Christmas meal of roast Pat and Yorkshire puddings.

Viewing figures are expected to be quite high this year.

Merry Christmas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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