KANKAKEE, Illinois - Sarah Palin's One Nation Bus Tour pulled into Kankakee, the Illinois town where Confederate General Stonewall Jackson said to his rebel troops back in September of 1862, "Dammit fellers, I do believe dat we be some lost sons-of-bitches cause dis here do not look nuttin like Mississippi ta me."
Palin spoke in the parking lot of a Cackle Cackle Chicken Diner before a crowd estimated to be at around 18 or so.
She asked them to please ignore all of the lies that author and next-door neighbor Jebidiah McGillicuddy had written about her in his tell all exposé titled, Gosh Darnit It Looks Like Old "Snowflake" Palin Better Toss All Her 2012 T-Shirts in The Freakin Trash Can Gee Willikers You Betcha.
Palin was informed by Buck Yazoo with Yippee-Ki-Yay Magazine that Mr. McGillicuddy had gotten his facts for his book from interviewing over 200 of her fellow Wasillians.
He pointed out that some of these individuals included her own brother Chuck Heath Jr., her dentist Dr. Vogel "Incisors" Pillberger, and even her gynecologist Dr. Nashley "Fingers" Wandercroft.
Dr. Wandercroft reportedly even provided McGillicuddy with some very intimate photos, which did not make it into the book due to the publishing company's very strict policy on pornographic photographs.
The former governor of Alaska simply ignored Yazoo's statement and said that she was so proud of her nine-year-old daughter Piper who has whispered to her that no matter what mean, awful, horrible, dastardly things people say about her mommy, she will ignore it all and try her best not to call people like Mr. Yazoo any names like bastard, asshole, or jive ass cracker.
Palin immediately told Piper to please apologize for using such vulgar language. Piper said that there was no way in the hell that, that was going to happen and then added that Ann Coulter will get boinked by President Obama before she apologizes.
Yazoo then asked Palin if she cared to talk about the rumors going around about an alleged, secret, clandestine meeting between her and Los Angeles Laker super star Kobe Bryant that reportedly had taken place underneath the Santa Monica Pier.
Palin exploded. She yelled out at Yazoo that she is sick and tired of people going around thinking that she is some crazed Kardashian female who goes around throwing herself at black sports figures.
She said that first of all she hates the Lakers, secondly she has never been to the Santa Monica Pier much less underneath it, and thirdly Kobe is not exactly what a woman would call a damn good looking stud.
Yazoo told her to answer his question and to quit skirting the issue like she tends to do now anytime someone asks her a question about geography.
Palin said he was starting to get a headache and she grabbed Piper and the two trotted off towards her bus.
In a related story. Michele Bachmann's 'Hair Spray Across The Nation Bus Tour' took her to Aberdeen, South Dakota, where she told a crowd that she can hardly wait for "Polar Bear Balls" Palin to enter the race so that she can kick her helicopter hunting butt all the way back to Russia.