Written by DZ Wags
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Sunday, 18 September 2011

A Russian soldier has been bestowed his country's highest honour when he was given the title of chief war criminal at a lavish ceremony of the Russian Oscars held at the Kremlin yesterday.

Other awards such as biggest civilian massacre and best nuclear disaster were both awarded to Volodymyr Cherbynd who was unable to collect his award due to being on death-row in Ukraine.

Best supporting female massacre was won by Major-General Koslova for her performance in the highly acclaimed Chechen murder spree, which also won best original genocide.

The Russian soldier, named Sasha Vissarionovich Dungashmelli of the 102nd Rifle Infantry Division said he was "overwhelmed" with the award.

"Having the opportunity to kill children was honour enough," said Dungashmelli. "But this award shows me the world really cares about what we're doing to our second and third class citizens."

Stalin, who is said to have only narrowly missed out on the award, said it was "an honour just to be nominated. People have been wishing me the win all year. I'm sorry to have disappointed them, but this can only serve as motivation." He added "there will be plenty more opportunities to kill and maim. This is not the end of Stalin."

Major-General Koslova wept through an emotional speech and at points struggled for words. "This is amazing…I'm so thankful for every man, woman and child [sobbing] who gave their lives so I could win this award…Moscow I love you."

She went on to pay tribute to her idol, Vladimir Putin; "the day Mother Russia becomes a decent country is the day that Putin's work is forgotten. Ceremonies like this one serve to remind us that murder is what keeps this country alive."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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