Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Sarah Palin

Thursday, 15 September 2011

image for Some Shocking Sarah Palin Secrets Revealed In New Tell-All Book
Levi Johnston reading his courtesy copy given to him by the author of the book about his ex-future mother-in-law.

WASILLA, Alaska - Noted author Jebediah "Torpedo" McGillicuddy has just written an exposé on the former governor of Alaska Sarah Louise Palin that alleges a whole lot of allegations.

The book is titled, Gosh Darnit It Looks Like Old "Snowflake" Palin Better Toss All Her 2012 T-Shirts in The Freakin Trash Can Gee Willikers You Betcha.

McGillicuddy recently sat down at a Texas Cattle Stampede Steakhouse in Wasilla and spoke with Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight.

The author who is a native of Shreveport, Louisiana noted that he received his most unusual nickname of "Torpedo" due to his tremendously amazing penchant for writing books that have sunk the political careers of some notable politicos.

Some of these include Senator Wally "The Wanker" Wigglefiddle, Governor Berghoff "The Lap Dancer" Biscuitfield, and most recently Congressman Bubby "Barbie Doll" Flowertaters, who McGillicuddy discovered liked to dress up as the famous doll and frequent dimly lit bars and lounges in cities like New Orleans, San Francisco, Manhattan, and Cleveland.

In McGillicuddy's bombshell book he tells about the time when Mrs. Palin became so angry at her husband Todd, after he had made fun of her cellulite that she actually picked up a pair of bronzed caribou balls that were sitting on her kitchen table and threw them at him as if she was the fireballing pitcher Randy Johnson.

Todd managed to duck and the bronzed caribou balls missed hitting him but they did nick little daughter Piper on her right ankle as she was sitting at the table eating some salmon jerky while coloring in her Lady Gaga Coloring Book.

Piper immediately jumped up and yelled out instinctively, "Hey bitch! what the hell are you friggin doing? If your damn aim ain't any better than that then you really have no freakin business going out with a rifle and trying to slaughter some poor, helpless little ol' reindeer."

Piper shook her head as she took a bite of her salmon jerky and remarked, "Sheesh, I wish you could be more like Sasha and Malia Obama's mom and that you acted like a normal mother who doesn't go around embarrassing her children by wearing a camouflage jock strap and spitting chewing tobacco in an empty Bud Light can."

Another time the "Loose Moose" exploded at daughter Willow when she found out that she had used one of her official Alaskan governor bras as a dual avocado seed planter. Palin angrily grounded Willow for a week and told her that she had to wear the same underwear for two weeks in a row.

McGillicuddy said that a lot of the information for the book came from Sarah Palin's ex-future son-in-law Levi Johnston who is the father of the eldest Palin daughter Bristol "The Pistol's" son Tripp Tic Tac Palin.

Levi told McGillicuddy that Bristol absolutely hated appearing on Dancing With The Stars and was actually forced to do the show because her mother wanted to be able to sit in the front row dressed in a short thigh-high skirt and show off her shapely legs in hopes of possibly getting the old codger vote as well as the lesbianite vote.

A whole chapter in the book is devoted to the hunting trip that "The White Wilderness Woman" took with a black basketball player who played for Our Lady of The Dog Mushers College in Anchorage.

According to McGillicuddy the player identified as 6-foot-8-inch tall LeFonzo "Sequoia Tree" Cottonweiser, a 19-year-old Civil War Cuisine major did not know how to properly shoot a high-powered telescopic rifle and "Polar Bear Balls" Palin was only more than happy to show him.

During the hunting trip Cottonweiser, who said that he and Miss Sarah are now BFF's, reportedly sang every hip hop rap song that Kanye West, Usher, P Diddy, and Jay-Z had ever recorded.

Palin allegedly remarked to her boy-crazy daughter Willow after she got home that she had never craved a big old plate of chicken wings more in her life than she did on that trip.

Another alleged secret that McGillicuddy discloses in his book which he got from a local Wasilla tattoo artist named Milly Belle "The Ink Minx" Montafellini, is that Todd Palin's personal salmon fishing guide Nanicka Zapalicka, who is a gorgeously sexy 29-year-old Eskimo-American reportedly has a tattoo in a very intimate location on her body that reads: Todd's Bod.

The Palin book is due to hit the nation's bookstores on September 26, which also happens to be National Pancake Day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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