Noel Edmonds has been arrested by London Metropolitan Police this morning, when it was revealed that Deal or No Deal is a cult.
"We first figured that Edmonds was a wrong 'un," said Detective Inspector Oscar Romeo, who led the investigation, "when it was pointed out that all cult leaders have a beard."
The Met first put Juliette Vancouver undercover in the Deal or No Deal show, which the Met believed was the public front to Edmond's Cult.
"After a week, we'd not seen or heard from Juliette," said Romeo. "So we sent Charlie Sierra in undercover as well. The next time we saw them, they were on television, acting all giddy and fully part of the Deal or No Deal cult."
The Met's top undercover officer, Sergeant Mike Delta was also sent in. Delta has vast experience with busting open drug trafficking.
"Mike was a bit of a last resort," said Romeo. "He's very good at appearing to take part, but staying detached. We think he has a mental illness."
Delta broke the cult wide open. Just in time as Edmonds looked set to spread his Deal or No Deal cult to America where he would have found a ready and willing audience.
"We discovered that the 'contestants', as the cult members are known, are all corralled in a large mansion in Hampshire," said Romeo. "In here, they are indoctrinated for a fortnight during so called 'Getting To Know You' sessions. All the time Edmonds is a mere shadowy figure in the background, selecting people to go onto the next level."
According to Romeo, the cult members are selected for their susceptibility and split into ever smaller groups until they are in groups of fifteen.
"This is a very insidious way of turning most people into gibbering cult members," said Romeo. "Very difficult to deprogram people who undergo this rigorous, constant barrage. They make all the boxes that appear on the show themselves as part of their brainwashing."
Once indoctrinated, as Vancouver and Sierra were, they are unleashed on prime time television to recruit more members with the promise of huge sums of cash, luring in the unwary and unwitting. All the time Edmonds receives instructions from the godly figure of 'The Banker'.
"We believe that several people high up in the television scheduling department are Deal or No Deal cult members, previously indoctrinated," said Romeo. "May be even as far back as Edmonds's previous cult he called 'House Party'."
This has allowed Edmonds to slowly take over the airwaves.
"Unfortunately," said Romeo, sadly. "Our two officers were not cult winners, and like all other failures, committed suicide. This is a risk all undercover officers take, and they will be honoured."
Edmonds denies all accusations, and the hunt is now on for a judge and jury that have not been on Deal or No Deal.