A leaked report from Number 11 Downing street has revealed the frightening level of institutionally sanctioned incompetence, and superficiality in the current coalition government. Heinz Skimpton Cheeck'Flailer C.E.O of SUCCUBI Assured Investments P.L.C, has officially submitted a first draft proposal to the Chancellery Office today. The central focus of this proposal is a new, wide scoping financial scheme. Designed to capitalise on an untapped abundant resource in the British economy. This privately funded proposal has been heralded by its supporters as, a definitive solution to the current challenges faced by the British economy.
The End Of The Fur Coat And No Knickers Economy
At the heart of this revolutionary financial framework is the aptly titled Gobshite Index Trading system. The G.I.T investment scheme is based on a long term socio-economic study into national Shit Headedness. Released earlier this year by the Barnsley Freudian Mathematical Gizolm Institute of The Long One, and The Round One (Dr Cuspid Hungchugger, Project Leader) .
If the G.I.T scheme were to be adopted by the British government. The accepted forms of national wealth recapitalisation, and redistribution would be completely disbanded. In its place would be a far more intuitive, and streamlined system.
Traditionally various sectors of the British economy were independently evaluated, screwed with, falsified, and their projected interrelationships formed the bases of governmental capitalization, through the long term, guilt edged bond market.
In the G.I.T system the current projected fiat principal would be replaced by a basket of socio economic indicators.
These indicators would include:
Natural Prejudice, Dress Sense, Purchased Masturbation Materials, Diet, Favored Method Of Transportation, Favourite Music, Mobile Phone Usage, Capacity For Independent Thought, Yearly Holiday Location, Television Size, Knowledge Of Geography, Social Network Status, DNA Profile, Tolerance To Steroids And S.T.D'S, Capacity For Abstract Thought, Willingness To Believe The Bullshit, Offspring's Daily Mouth To Nose Breathing Ratio, Spousal Monthly Arousal Index, and Various Self Importance Measurements.
These indicators would be combined to produce the Shit Headedness Index. This index would be compared with historical Shit Headedness, dating back to 1869. Producing the core ratio for the G.I.T System.
Supporters argue that if the government had instigated this scheme 30 years ago. The British economy would have enjoyed an unparalleled period of prosperity. The reports findings state that year on year British GobShitedness had consistently out performed all other traditionally trusted national assets. Thus providing a sound basis on which to create highly valued future debt instruments.
Support From The Great And The Good
The Royal Academy of Accountants have stated that this could be the advent of an era of true economic democratization.
The Governor of the Bank of England expressed his support for the scheme. From an undisclosed dogging location in Suddbury he stated that:
"This could be the greatest financial renaissance since the Reaganomic era, the creation of the Micro Banking system, or the stake holder years of Mrs T. Besides, what do you think we've been running the shit pile on all these years. It would just be a formal recognition of our long standing, tried and tested economic policies. "
Leading Sociologist have given their support in principal, but have expressed reservations about the schemes name. There has been no comment from the Chancellors office.