Special to INS - Lloyd C. Blankfein, Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, the New York-based bank holding company, announced today that the firm will change its name to Sacks O'Gold (NYSE ticker, SOG). The change is in keeping with the firm's intention to better position itself as the leading source of greed in the world.
"Last January's compensation payout to our bankers was only $15.3 billion, down from last year's $16 billion," said Blankfein, soaking in a hot tub filled with steamy My-T-Fine chocolate pudding. "I don't know how they'll manage to trade in their old Mercedes for 2011's. I guess they'll just have to find some more suckers to buy into the derivatives market. Maybe we can set up a sub-prime mortgage company in Haiti."
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is especially enthusiastic about the change: "The northeast corner of Fort Knox was set aside for Goldman when I came into office and pulled the coup of the century by changing Goldman from an investment bank to a bank holding company. In that way, the taxpayers were able to bail out my buddies Henry Paulson, Robert Rubin, and Larry Summers, all at risk from losing their Park Avenue penthouses."
Novelist Ayn Rand, whose theory of trickle-down greed is embraced by former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, is the most-read author on Wall Street. "She's my favorite," said runner Iwanna Shekels. "Mr. Blankfein reminds me so much of John Galt, the hero in Rand's novel, The Fountainhead. It opened my eyes to the fact that altruism is nothing but a suckfest invented by the liberal elite. My fiancé Seymour Azole and I agree that our first-born will be named Randy. It's so exciting-Iwanna, Seymour, and Randy Azole."