Dear Mr Google,
I am responding to an advertisement in the daily Guardian, in the section Media Guardian creative media and Sales of November 7th. I believe in giving things serious consideration and not rushing into things which is why I have taken so long. I had a whirlwind romance and lightening wedding to Mrs Lucinda Brownwindsor. Whirlwind in the sense of everything wrecked afterwards and lightening in as much as stuff reduced to rubble. We get along like a house on fire.
You are advertising for senior sales and marketing professionals with impeccable credentials.. I can definitely claim to be senior since I reached the grand old age of 65 last June and am now called a senior citizen. I would like to be a professional since amateurs do not get paid.
It says you need outstanding individuals. I am well over 5 ft. But when necessary show my entrepreneurial climb up and go by erecting my collapsible stepladder. Indeed I was a student of gynaecology until I fell off it one night.
My credentials are a bit peccable because I was arrested in 1961 on my birthday for having drunk too much of our English cider and fined ten shillings in our old English money. Funnily enough the name of the cider was Olde English too. I am 'fessing up, as you Americans say ,because since you spend all day searching you would be bound to find out my guilty secret. I have kept my credentials clean ever since.
The advertisement says "our direct sales organisation needs outstanding individuals with impeccable credentials, and with experience in the automotive, education , entertainment, finance, F. M C G, local, retail, technology or a travel sectors. "
Well that is a lot of different sectors to have worked in. but I can certainly claim most of those. Automotive? Education? Entertainment.? I used to have a bicycle which I oiled often and rode to school and once appeared in the school play. Finance, local, retail? I took the money for selling popcorn in the interval. The school was just around the corner and therefore very local. I think the fact that I once put a bell on my bike covers the technology and travel sectors.
I would claim expertise in the FMCG area too but do not know what it is.
Since it is the only one not down there apart from flying an aeroplane I am guessing it is to do with farming. Feeding Moo-cows, Chickens and Goats?
We are townies but I do have a gerbil. I have written to Chris Google at firstname.lastname@example.org before about this last year. Your Absence turned down my application to put ads on my website www.windsorsoup.co.uk because Chris said it did not meet the criteria. The ads are on now and if anybody wants to buy colitis I send them to Google.
Windsorsoup is the main website for the Society for Old Organic Foods. At Spoof we try to encourage the eating of good wholesome foods with recipes garnered from the internet. There is a section on previous correspondence with Google on the site.
I would like to join Google and help you search for things that are lost.
But I read in the Daily Telegraph that at Google you all play roller ball in the car park, and have masseuses and have a day off to work on your pet projects. I hope it is not compulsory because I would be too old to play roller ball and my lady wife would not let me have a masseuse. But I did ask Chris what pet he had. Must be nice to have time off to make one of those little wheels. Sadly one of our gerbils died.
It also said in the Telegraph that the employees at Google were half men and half women. Well I am afraid I am not androgynous whatever that means and am not prepared to be cut out for a career at my age. I did ask Chris whether Chris stood for Christopher or Christine or both. It also said Google stood for a large number but a large number of what it did not say.
My resume. Personal details.
I have the record of being married to my lady wife Lucinda for 45 years on January the 13th which always falls on a Friday. Co- incidentally Lucinda has also been married for 45 years. This is the only thing we have in common.
My shoe size is 9 ½ . Inside leg 34 cm.
I have not reached the dizzy heights of managerial power in this existence but I am a believer in re-incarnation. It is now illegal to mock other people's religions in England so I can claim on my CV , as recounted to me by a medium rare, that I was in charge of a group of soldiers during the invasion of Britain by Julius Caesar and if I am not believed the unbeliever can go to prison.
I tried to get a reference from Jules as we called him at a séance but it did not record too well.
It says in your advert that you have corporate goals. I suppose that is for your roller blading games. But it says you want to create an inspiring entrepreneurial environment . I looked up entrepreneur and it says " undertaker." That is good because I already have an interest in undertaking. . Have you ever heard of pyramid selling? Because selling timeshare in pyramids is a sensible business. I have a part interest in a small one.What happens is customers buy a place in it. We say on the ad "YOU COULD BE BURIED WITH KINGS! JUST THINK YOUR FINAL RESTING PLACE WILL BE NEXT TO PHARAOHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Embalming costs extra but just think of the promotion. We put "Mr.Insert Name Here you can get stuffed!" What we
do is arrange to pick up the deceased from the undertakers,( not literally.They are in boxes.) take them
to Heathrow and fly them Dead Class on one of those cheap airlines to Cairo.
I certainly would like to help with your environment. You certainly need help .Do you know that if you type " Search Engines" into Google Google does not turn up until the second page? That does not show very thrusting undertakers. Letting the opposition sneak in first.
And do you know what it says if you type Google into Google?
"Enables users to search the Web. "
But if you did not know that Google enabled searchers to search the web how would you know how to use Google to find out? Also I thought I would use Google to settle an argument about religion.
I typed God into Google. There are 152,000,000 sites. That is rather an exact number .All those noughts.
But I then typed atheism. Only 4,590,000 for Atheism
So God wins that one and Google proves He exists.
Or does it?
The fact is if anybody questions my existence I tell them to go to Google.
Just type " Arthur Brownwindsor" and there I am. As Renee Descartes the French lady once said " I google therefore I am. "
I looked her up on Google and it says she is a man.
But on my website I have employed to present Windsor Silent Radio another Frenchman, the mime artist Marcel L'aise. And he appears on Google. And I happen to know that Marcel L'aise is his nom de plume. Which is French for "name of pen". So who can you trust?. Actually my pen is called Biro. Did you know there was a Count Biro?
But all my previous correspondence with Google is now available in sound.
And I do so hope you can find a place for me in Google since I wish to be part of the inspiring corporate lifeblood of thrustingly entrepreneurial blue skies thinking vision carving a new path into the twenty-second century which although a long way off now must be taken into account in the long term forward planning of a new age technology based corporate corporation ,,,,,,,,,,,,
my jargon spring broke but you lot have plenty more.
Arthur Brownwindsor BA (University of Life) Failed
Society for the Preservation of Organic Old Foods (SPOOF)
The Terraced House With Slates on Top but wanted a Thatched cottage
Near Windsor Castle