Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 19 July 2011

image for Heston Blumenthal opens a music shop
A marching band playing trombpianos and inner tubas.

Gastronomic experimenter Heston Blumenthal has moved out of the kitchen and into the orchestra pit with a new venture: Music.

"It's a sad state of affairs," said Blumenthal. "There is a dearth of inventiveness with music instruments. We are stuck with the same basic instruments that Mozart would recognise. The only innovations in the past three hundred years have been the electrifying of guitars, organs, and the like, plus using a record turn-table, which doesn't really count. Oh and there's that electric stick thing, but only Kraftwerk use that."

"And Bill Bailey."

Blumenthal intends to revolutionise music in the same way that he has revolutionised cooking with cheese and onion ice-cream and snail porridge.

"With modern computers there is no reason why you can't play what looks like a violin, and have it sound like a grand piano, or play a guitar and make it sound like a cat being used as a cheese grater."

Blumenthal believes that music is ready for a whole host of novel musical instruments producing recognisable sounds, and recognisable instruments producing novel sounds.

"It is is this fusion of the expected and intriguing that will make my music as successful as my food," said Blumenthal. "I have already invented the trombpiano, which looks like a trombone but sounds like a piano. On the drawing board is an inner tuba."

As well as producing recognisable sounds, with a tweak of software, Blumenthal's instruments will be able to do so much more.

"I have an idea for a viophin, which looks like a violin, but allows you to talk to dolphins," said Blumenthal. "It's going to be massive."

As to how Blumenthal intends to indicate that it is a trombpiano and not a piano when people are listening to an MP3, he admits he is still working on that.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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