Citing the recent and growing scandals throughout his worldwide media empire, multi-billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced he was permanently shutting down FOX News effective Monday, July 18th.
The somewhat shocking news comes on the heels of Murdoch's earlier attempts trying to cool things off. Those efforts included the permanent closing of the 168 year old and scandal-ridden News of the World, and an abandonment of a multi-billion dollar bid to buy satellite news service British Sky News.
Asked if the closing was intended to put out the firestorms created by seemingly vast unethical, immoral and illegal conduct, Murdoch dismissed the idea out-of-hand. Pressed further to address if the closing of FOX News was an attempt at damage control in light of his scheduled appearance before the British Parliament on Tuesday, July 18th, Murdoch assured them it was not.
"If you must know, the reason that I have decided to permanently shutter FOX News is that it can no longer serve its intended purpose. If in this hostile environment people are no longer willing to unquestioningly accept whatever is put in front of them by our news presenter, there is no point in continuing on."
The deflated multi-billionaire was then heard to mumble, "those people have taken all the fun out of my work...like Nicholson's character Colonel Nathan Jessup said in A Few Good Men, you can't handle the truth and you just weakened a country and the world".
Murdoch did seem to perk up a bit when asked if The Wall Street Journal would face a similar fate.
"Absolutely not. I agree that as intended it has been turned into a shallow propaganda rag. But it still serves its purpose. They like something tactile in their hand and I get a charge out of slapping something there."
He then entered his awaiting helicopter and seemingly ascended to the heavens.