Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 15 July 2011

image for Gold Falls, Breaks Fifth Metatarsal

Amid reports of the strengthening U.S. Dollar, and reports of financial market adjustments proposed by Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, the price of golf fell significantly in open trading today, forcing at least one man to be rushed to hospital with a broken foot.

Hearing the news of the gold price peak and then decline, Fester Givens, retired Virginia banker and noted curmudgeon, had started to collect his gold to sell on the open market. While cleaning out his hidden safe some 6 feet off the floor of his home, one large ingot fell and struck Givens' right foot, breaking the fifth metatarsal into pieces.

Fester is reportedly not the only victim of Gold's rise and fall in the Givens household. Edna Given's, Fester's wife of 39 years, seemed to appreciate the irony and the retribution in the falling Gold incident. "He's beet rat holing that Gold away for the last 10 years", says Edna, "There's not a dime left in our checking or savings account. You'd think I could go out and buy a new pair of socks once in a while, but NO. He deserves that broken foot. The holes in my underwear, have holes, for gosh sakes".

The cast on Givens' right foot was applied at Columbia Hospital in a matter of hours, and though Fester Givens refused to give comment on the details of the incident, Edna was rife with caustic commentary for her short sighted husband. Hospital Admissions employees report seeing and hearing Edna elevate her volume and violent hand gestures through the closed doors and windows of their 1999 Dodge minivan.

Nurses on staff had offered Mr. Givens a helmet for the ride home, though expected to see him back in the Emergency Room in the next few hours.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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