The Board of Accessorizing, Female Fashion, Lingerie, and Entertainment (B.A.F.F.L.E.) has released new guidelines and rules to govern the design and styles of women's clothing. B.A.F.F.L.E. (sometimes referred to as "The Fashion Police") is the regulatory agency for women's clothing in North America and the European community. Anything produced for mass marketing in certain areas (clothing, shoes, handbags, outer wear, under wear, sleep wear, etc.) must receive their seal of approval
Organization President Bruce "Limpy" Wrist presented the rules in a press conference from the Paris Spring 2006 preview. Said Wrist, "We wanted to set some basic rules and standards because some things are just plain wrong and silly. Fashion is not only supposed to be trendy, it should also be tasteful. No one wants to see some of the things we have had to put up with the past few years. We've decided to make a return to morality and decency for a few years in fashion. We're tired of having all of the ladies look like sluts and want to go a little old fashioned for a time. Don't worry, though, dressing like a skank will probably come back again in a few years."
Note: All quotations listed after the changes come directly from B.A.F.F.L.E. President Wrist.
Among the new changes:
1. Low rise jeans will no longer be produced in sizes larger than "9" or in children's sizes. "These pants are supposed to show off figures, not flab. No one wants to see some hungry, hungry hippo with her gut hanging over her pants. Also, little girls are supposed to be cute, not hot. We want them to remain sweet and innocent and not be sex objects."
2. Lycra will also not be produced in sizes larger than a "9." "Two words: cottage cheese."
3. Cheerleaders, team dancers, and other heavily involved female fans in sports towns can now wear panties with their team logo on the crotch accompanied by the wording "The Dallas Cowboys play here" (or any other team name, depending on the city).
4. It will now be a felony for a woman to wear black lipstick, black eyeliner, and black mascara at the same time. "The Goth look is finally gone, thank God."
5. Wearing backless dresses with normal bras is also now a felony in 14 countries. "You're a woman and you hold up your tits with a bra. Okay, we know that. We don't, however, need to see it too. The same rules will apply to wearing a bra with a little spaghetti string tank top. We all know the straps are there. Just because we see your bra doesn't mean we want to admire your boobs. Remember, we call it underwear for a reason."
6. Panties must also be hidden underneath the waist line of the pants, especially thongs. "It used to be a real turn on for straight men to catch a little bit of a waistband of a girl's knickers. Now, the ladies want to do the sagging thing and show us the brand name and colors. Save it for the bedroom."
7. Purses now must be smaller than a standard sized soccer ball/volleyball. "I'm really tired of looking at women who appear to have made the choice not to check their luggage. I mean, come on ladies! Do you need to throw your back out carrying your wallet, a few tampons, a lipstick, and a couple of Kleenex?"
8. Shoes will move from being stylish to being comfortable and functional. "Men's shoes have always put function over form, and women's have always been the opposite. Women always have more foot problems than men; see the connection? Ladies shoes will now still come in 900 colors and styles, but they must be comfortable to walk in and safe to work in."
9. Wedding dresses will change color automatically depending on the chastity level of the bride. "We're using the technology from mood rings to try to bring back the traditional white wedding dress for the pure girl. The more experienced the woman, the darker the dress will become. If there's a bun in the oven at the wedding, you'll get an E.T. style heartlight glow so everyone can see. That way, you'll know to give her pampers for a wedding gift instead of a blender. We wanted to do the same thing with the bridesmaids dresses, but you know what they always say about the maid of honor!"
10. Hats on women are out of style and will no longer be manufactured. "Face it, the big hats with feathers and flowers and lace look stupid."
11. Under age girls will be required to wear a tag on their clothing, similar to a designer logo, that shows a man behind bars. "We don't want anyone getting into trouble because they were not aware that their date was jail bait. Failure to wear the tag could result in house arrest for the girl and a fine for her parents. If older women wanting to lie about their age try to wear the tag, it will change into a man trying to open a casket."
12. Scarves must be worn as scarves. "Doesn't it look stupid when a woman wears a scarf like a belt, but then never puts it through the belt loops? What are we supposed to think it's holding up?"
13. Women will be limited to one earring per ear, and the earring must be pearl size or smaller. "Do we want our ladies looking like the African tribal women with earlobes that hang to their shoulders? Do we want ears to continue setting off metal in airports because some women have more jewelry in their ears than rappers have around their necks?"
14. Baseball caps on men and women will be worn right side up, not inside out, and with the brim facing forward. "The only person who should be able to wear a ball cap backwards is the catcher. Everything else just looks stupid."
15. Make-up must be color coordinated to the person and the clothing. "No one will wear blue lip liner with pink lipstick. Yucky!"
16. Brassieres will be worn underneath regular clothing by all women unless they are completely flat-chested. "Nobody wants to see your melons hanging below your belly button. Sexy lingerie turns people on, not saggy breasts."
17. Thong panties will disappear except in strip clubs. "A thong is nothing more than butt floss. It isn't underwear and it isn't comfortable and it isn't cute sticking above your jeans."
Clergymen around the world applauded these decisions and have agreed to place issues of Modern Bride, Seventeen, and M in their hymnal holders on the backs of church pews.