Written by Roake
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Topics: Death, Cards

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

image for New "Death Cards" To Be Released
See! If this guy had had a card he'd have been much happier.

Greetings cards have been shared between people for thousands of years. Archeologists believe that the first greetings card was sent by ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Amenhotep to his cat Mrs Whiskers, in the 13th century BC.

Since then, the greetings card industry hasn't changed very much, and has pretty much stagnated since Hallmark was founded.

We have birthday cards, get-well-soon cards, "thank you" cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, Easter cards... The list goes on and on. But card buyers have been complaining that there are simply no cards to celebrate deaths.

One person said "It just seems wrong you know, that dying people should be left out of having such funny cards to read."

Now, however, that's all changed. The world's most prominent greetings card engineer, Bert Russell, came up with the idea of a revolutionary greetings card to give terminally ill people a cheery feeling in their darkest hour.

Slogans which Bert has carefully designed to give most impact include:

  • "Have A Happy Death!"
  • "Enjoy Your Death!"
  • "Have a Nice Death!" and
  • "Cheer Up!"


Most of the cards will have a waving, smiley picture of the Grim Reaper on them.

The government, who will be subsidising the cards in their first two years on sale, hope the cards will bring a smile to people's faces just before they die. Unless they're in a coma of course, in which case, they won't be able to move their face.

David Cameron is expecting this move will boost the country's happiness rating by over 20%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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