Britain's leading energy suppliers have warned consumers to expect steep price increases from August this year, possibly by as much as 19% The energy providers have attributed the rises to Wayne Rooney's hair transplant, a situation being further exacerbated by rumours that Ryan Giggs may also be contemplating a hair transplant.
The energy providers have responded angrily to suggestions by consumer watchdog groups that they are effectively operating as a cartel, by saying that they aren't acting like a cartel at all.
Watchdogs have criticised the multi-national giants for being quick to pass on price increases to consumers when prices are rising, and interminably slow to respond when energy costs decrease in price at source.
A spokesman for leading energy supplier Scale Electric, an associate of Laffin Gas, explained that oil and gas prices were effectively controlled by Russian oligarchs and Saudi Princes, who usually own football clubs as a sideline.
"When Wayne Rooney has an expensive hair transplant, it has to be paid for," the spokesman said. "That's the real world. Wayne pays for the treatment out of his wages, which are supplied by club owners, and it all has to be paid for. When it was just Wayne having a hair transplant, the energy providers could absorb the cost, but as rumours surfaced that Ryan Giggs is also contemplating the treatment, the market wobbled, and we had no option other than to pass these increases on to the consumer."
Skoob News spoke to one such consumer, 76 year old spinster, Eloise Blenkinsop, from Sowerby Bridge, West Yorkshire. Eloise lives in quiet seclusion in a 200 year old stone built farmhouse. She had this to say:
"I can't afford another 19% on top of my bills. Oh no. I expect I shall be shivering and turning blue again this winter. I shall try to cut down on my consumption by lighting candles. Although I will probably end up burning the house down, with meself inside, because I has a tendency to forget things these days. I only wish these footballers would stop and think on about having hair transplants."
Indeed. Selfish Britain in action.
More as we get it.