The western world may be in the grip of a recession but not according to the results of a recent survey carried out in Shell Suit City, the benefit capital of the UK.
The survey of local businesses found that sales of alcohol,tobacco and scratch cards had increased over the last 12 months.While bookmakers,take aways,tattoo artists and sun bed shops were also being kept busy.
The Lord Mayor,Brian Birdbrain said,"It hasn't all been plain sailing.We have lost one or two businesses,mainly charity shops and greengrocers but they won't be missed."
However not everyone was completely happy.Unemployed single mother of seven Sharron Shoplifter 25, said "We can only afford to go to Benidorm five times this year instead of the usual six. But this has got nothing to do with the recession.This is down to those greedy Spanish bastards putting their prices up.Next year we will be going to Turkey.Which is sad really as the fathers of three of my children are Spanish."
Ex milk monitor,unemployable Arthur Artois 49,also had cause for concern but his gripe was with the alliance."Since they came into power I have found it's not easy supporting a bookie,a pizza shop and a 15 pint a day Stella habit on my benefits.Luckily I have cut my cigarettes down to 60 a day,otherwise I would never have been able to afford my Newcastle United season ticket.I just hope I can win the Euro Millions but that's costing me £40 a week now that they've started playing on Tuesday as well as Friday."
Last word goes to Mayor Birdbrain,"As long as we continue to receive our benefits,it' business as usual in Shell Suit City."