Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Food, Fast Food

Saturday, 5 November 2005

image for Colonel Sanders Accuses Beef Industry of Starting Bird Flu
Colonel Sanders has merely fired the latest salvo in a long time war of meat producers.

Colonel Harland Sanders has accused the world's beef industry of starting the bird flu panic. "Hey, they bio-engineered this disease in some lab to kill the birds and take over the fast food industry. They are afraid that Original Recipe and Extra Crispy are going to take away the sales of Big Macs and Whoppers. They tried to catch up with us with their chicken mcnuggets and chicken sandwiches and other cheap imitiations, but they still can't beat Popeye's Spicy or Church's legs and thighs or my Popcorn Chicken."

Reginald Smythe-Newtonford of the International Beef Council was not upset by the Colonel's remarks. "This is just the latest salvo in our competition against each other. Thirty years ago, we jointly created Swine Flu. Do you see any fast food pork restaurants now days?"

"We also started the mercury in fish scare and now only little Long John Silvers and a few other fish chains are trying to steal our business. Almost everything is beef or chicken based. That's the compact we signed thirty years ago in Geneva, and that's the way it was supposed to stay. Then, Sanders got greedy and launched a sneak attack at his allys."

"In the late 90's, the Colonel worked with other poultry companies and bio-engineered Mad Cow disease and released that in Europe. It has now spread to Canada and has been almost impossible to eradicate. All of our rescourses have been spent working on stopping his salvo."

" Bird Flu is just our way of getting even for ruining our public image and undercutting our sales. He wants a chicken only world, but it might be an all beef planet before it's over!"

The newly formed International Council for Eating Rabbits, Squirrels, Rodents, and Other Small Mammals issued a statement to the press from the U.N. Building in New York. "We would like everyone to remember that our food group has not been affected by bird flu, mad cow disease, swine flu, or mercury poisoning. A good fried coney, an armadillo stew, rat tips in gravy, or badger wellington can be a satisfying and nutritionally valuable meal. We encourage diners to consider our fare in this chaotic time when you cannot trust your meat market."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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