Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Walmart, Gasoline

Friday, 4 November 2005

image for Walmart to start selling Gasoline in 3 Liter Bottles
Former Tulsa Walmart #3847, seen from a distance

(TULSA) Federal officials are investigating the explosion of Tulsa Walmart #3847 which killed 19 and wounded over 180. Walmart denies that test marketing of it's new, "Bottle o' Petrol" was the cause of the tragedy. Sources say, however that "not only is Walmart rolling back prices but it's rolling back common sense as well."

"You can't sell bottles of highly flammable gasoline next to linens and draperies" said one FEMA official surveying yesterday's damage.

"Bottle 'o Petrol", brainchild of founder Sam Walton's grandson, Samuel, was, according to one high level insider the result of Walmart's attempt to develop low-cost offshore styrofoam petroleum rigs to compete with Exxon ... perhaps lower prices. The unnamed insider source went on to add,

"Back then we knew we had discovered a profitable niche market when gasoline prices shot through the roof and hit 89 cents a gallon. That's when Mr Walton began toying with the idea of somehow safely selling cheap bottles of super unleaded on our store shelves."

'Walton toyed with the idea too long" say FEMA officials determined to prove that a
"Bottle 'o Petrol" destroyed the store and a quarter square mile of homes around it sending Tickle Me Elmo dolls and $10 Foreman Grills flying all over Tulsa Oklahoma.

One Tulsa Walmart customer disagrees with FEMA's preliminary findings. In an interview with WKRQ of Tulsa he said,

"Those bottles of gas are safe. I coasted into Walmart on fumes. Come to find out, they were actually selling bottles of real gas right there in the checkout line next to the Snickers. I bought 2 bottles, poured them into my car, headed home. Of course when I got home CNN said that Walmart had exploded. I'm glad I wasn't there when that happened. I wonder what caused it."

Walmart, already knee-deep in controversy is PR-wise, according to some analysts now lower-to-mid-waist deep for blowing up part of Tulsa.

"Stuff went Boom" President Bush said when asked about the Walmart tragedy adding, "Stuff 's supposed to go boom over there in there in Iraq where the WMD's are, not here in .. How much are those Bottles o' Petrol again?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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