Written by Adam Click
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Wednesday, 17 August 2011

image for Man Indicted For Outsider Trading
Lawernce Welsh made the mistake of falling asleep in his office once. His co-workers gave him a Magic Marker beard.

New York, New York-Wall Street Financier Lawrence Welsh has been indicted by a federal grand jury on allegations of outsider trading after an investigation into his stock trades revealed that he wasn't very well liked by anybody.

"He was your classic dweeb when it came to stock trading, buying losers, selling winners, trading after hours and generally making a pest of himself." explained Horace Cummings, a confidant of Mr. Welsh's and the star witness before the grand jury.

"Uncoordinated doesn't begin to describe Lawrence. Everybody, and I mean everybody, laughed at him behind his back.Even his girlfriend. Quite sad, really."

Speaking through a handkerchief and a comb, Mr. Welsh denied the allegations saying, "If it wasn't for me these guys would actually have to do some work once in a while. You know?"

The penalties for outsider trading can be quite severe and may include but are not limited to, the administration of "Swirlys" and/or "Atomic wedgies".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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