Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Topics: Iraq, Houston

Friday, 21 October 2005

image for The US is an Oil Imperialist Nation and Proud of It, Admits George Bush
Bush promotes US imperialism

HOUSTON (AP)--President George Bush finally admitted that he invaded Iraq mainly to grab its immense oil reserves for Big American oil companies, and had planned the war for years before 911.

"America needs 22 million barrels of oil a day just to keep its economy chugging along," Bush told a baffled group of grade three students at Adam Smith Public School in Houston, Texas in a surprisingly frank speech.

"That's why US troops are stationed throughout the world near foreign oilfields and oil pipelines. That's why our military budget is so high and defense contractors are so rich. That's why we invade and kill and overthrow foreign governments and assassinate their leaders and set up puppet regimes like in Iraq -- It's the crude, dude."

He said that he had to support his big election campaign bankrollers Exxon Mobil, Chrevron Texaco and others with foreign oil contracts in Iraq and elsewhere.

"I know that we could end oil imports with a modest program to increase our energy efficiency here in the USA, but I'll never do that since there's just too much money to be made from oil," he enthused.

Bush went on to add that opening up foreign markets like Iraq and Afghanistan for looting by US corporations was also a big part of US war strategy.

"We caused the downfall of the Soviet Union by manipulating oil prices and Soviet oil income. When they broke up, that let big US companies into Russia and Eastern Europe for looting their undervalued assets, which gave us big corporate profits too," he admitted.

"Now we plan to open up Syria, Iran, North Korea and China so we can plunder Iran's oil, make Israel happy and grab super profits by privatizing those countries too - you know, buying their assets cheap and selling them dear," he added. " Turning their financial systems into deregulated free markets that use American dollars and enrich US banks is an essential part of this, as is globalization."

Several children began crying and Bush looked disappointed.

"Jesus, look at all the money that's been shoveled into the larders of Halliburton, Bechtel, and other fine Republican corporations with Iraqi reconstruction contracts. Dick Cheney has been laughing all the way to the bank," he gloated. "American Express, Coca-Cola, and Burger King have also moved in."

Bush said that this has nothing to do with creating "democracy" throughout the world unless democracy was defined as making the world open and safe for US companies and big profits. "We also freely use religion to disguise our immoral actions and sanitize them."

"Idiots like Pat Robertson and our fascist news networks like Fox are very, very useful in that regard," he barked. "That's also why I'm stacking the Supreme Court."

"Wherever there's oil, US troops are nearby to maintain imperialist exploitation," he explained. "We also have to make sure countries like Iraq and Iran keep selling their oil in American dollars and not in Euros or gold or Yen, because they could cause a collapse of the US dollar. Since the world keeps buying our T-bills, we can do anything we want."

Bush concluded, "The war on terror is a myth simply to help us grab and control the world's oil, and open up markets to make America's ruling class even richer. You kids should be proud of all this. Other countries would jail us as the crooks and war criminals we are, but not here in the good old USA!"

By the end of his speech, he had the class jumping up and down shouting "Kill! Kill! Kill!" as their teacher applauded.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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