Written by Auntie Matter
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Saturday, 30 April 2011

image for CAUSES. INC, a Revolution in business?
Causes.Inc Headquarters.

A new entrepreneurial business has just been launched by Cardinal De Germain in New York. Many metropolitan VIPs from business and entertainment including Donald Trump were present.

It is a new type of consultancy firm explained its appointed CEO, Luigi Castrato. He informed me through a cloud of cigar smoke that the philosophy behind it is simple. People are not sufficiently motivated to get rich. They are happy with their station basically, even among the poor, thanks mostly to television, sex, booze and "other distractions". It is only the crazy few who pursue wealth for the sake of wealth statistics show. Most of the very successful are motivated by other factors. Hence the name of the firm. CAUSES.INC. The really wealthy always have a cause to serve. This is usually all they need to eradicate any vestiges of conscience or morality they may be afflicted with as such things are bad for business, said Luigi. "Had little Adolf not been given a cause he might have been better behaved".

Said Luigi; "You give a punk a gun and a cause and you have created a very useful assassin, take my word for it. Causa Nostra... need I say more, dude? Not that I am personally involved with that organization you understand. We provide clients with all sorts of causes that suit their psychological profiles. Could be religious, could be world revolution, could be nationalism, defeating the devil, getting rid of war, a united Ireland or Korea, cleaning up the planet, saving the whale, feeding Africa. Show me a cause and we will show you the path to riches. Ever heard of the Vatican Bank? And who are wealthier than the Muslim head haunchos? We prefer nationalism as most of our clients are half-way there already and just don't know it. Pretty soon they have a business plan tailored around their chosen cause. Marxism has a great track record in the field. Your average Marxist is worse than any capitalist in his zeal. His competitiveness borders on fuckin' mania. He's our man. So, we recommend Marxism to certain types of individuals. We give them courses in politics, economics, corruption in political circles and the music of Bob Dylan. When he leaves us he has more get-up-and-go in his little finger than Saint Paul had in his whole friggin' body. Of course, once he makes his first million, he kinda begins to see things differently and usually ends up more conservative than the Duke of Edinburgh. The only union he is interested in at that point is one he can get his leg over. This is one hot business. That's why Donald is on our board of directors. You wouldn't believe the calls we have been getting since we announced Causes. Inc. We will be on Oprah next week. Look out for us."

Cardinal De Germain who blessed the inauguration of the new business at its new headquarters in Manhattan was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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