Written by Steddyeddy
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Topics: Language, Sheep, rip off

Monday, 25 April 2011

image for Everything to be described as "pre" this and "pre" that
Potential customers on the way to pre-order

In an effort to simplify things for the hard of thinking, the electronics industry, in particular establishments such as Game, Cash Generator, Nintendo, Apple and Currys, already well known for their thoroughly enticing and vomit-inducing "pre-order" nonsense, are submitting a host of words with the prefix (oops, just used a 'pre') "pre" to the Oxford English Dictionary.

The Society for Plain English has given up trying to get these companies to explain how it is physically possible to pre-order anything, when in fact, should you wish to order something, you either order it or you don't.

Everyday activities will now be changed to come into line with all things "pre".

For example, you will now no longer be able to "fart", "trump" or "break wind". From now on you will be "pre-shitting". And you will no longer have to "start your car", "fill it with petrol" or "open the car door". Instead, all three activities will be covered by "pre-drive".

For the worker who comes home in the evening and has a slice of toast, a piece of fruit or some other item of snack food before dinner, they will be deemed to be "pre-eating".

And for those planning what programmes to record on their satellite boxes, checking programme listings in newspapers and popular listing magazines, they will be deemed to be "pre-TVing".

And for those troubled by hay fever, a common cold or just a blocked nose, using a handkerchief or tissue will be deemed "pre-sneezing".

And placing your elderly relative in a nursing home, buying a coffin, or giving a burial voucher to a loved one will be said to be "pre-dying".

A spokesperson for the Federation of Rip-Off Britain, representing all the pre-order merchants said he was thrilled that terms associated with Rip-Off Britain were coming into general usage.

He said: "The more money we can make from the idiots willing to give us a hefty deposit for something that will be in plentiful supply several weeks later anyway is wonderful news for shareholders. When interest rates raise, we will make even more money from these hapless sheep by putting their money into interest-bearing accounts."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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