Written by Eurocleese De Zouch
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Topics: Economy, Prostitutes

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Jackie Wildthroat, a Newcastle Escort has today, posted a profits warning on her enterprise. In the shock announcement from her Newcastle flat, Jackie, 29, stated that profits are down 14% from the previous tax year.

Before the press conference, she asked if three photographers could sponge the sheets before she began.

In her outburst, Jackie stated that she would be forced into more liberal acts to boost share prices so that she could make her key performance indicator in the next financial year. Jackie stated that she's into all the sports, and she launched four new services - pumping, the Harpsichord, spooning and mid-level fondling. There are also "new and exciting" acts in the pipeline, but she said that had to check their legality before they were announced.

She also launched a new loyalty card and a new pay as you go service, which she hopes will boost dividends.

On the key announcement, BBC Business Editor Harriet Rumpage, said "this will definitely a wise move by Jackie. She's a smart cookie. I think that you'll see a large bounce in returns and I expect to see a massive rise in assets in the immediate future.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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