Domino's Pizza, the nations largest Pizza Delivery Company, has announced plans to turn their delivery fleet into a parcel service also. "We have over 20,000 cars on the roads at any given moment all over this country. That is larger than the combined delivery fleets of U.P.S., Fed-Ex, D.H.L., and Airborne combined! We're also the only delivery company that can deliver your new DVD and a hot, fresh pizza to eat while you watch it at the same time," said Walter Cheese of the Domino's Development Department.
"We'll also deliver your product faster than any of the other companies, or we'll give you $3.00 off of your delivery charge. Fed-Ex only guarantees overnight delivery, but how does 30 minutes grab you?"
When asked if all of their delivery vehicles would change to match the distinctive looks of the "Brown" U.P.S. trucks or yellow D.H.L. vans, Cheese replied in the negative. "Our delivery people own their own vehicles. While they all have distinctive car top signs, they will not all be painted the same color. Our fleet will continue to be made up of old Escorts, Pintos, Bugs, Gremlins, Vega's, Pacers, k-cars, and all of the automobiles that our drivers use. The colors may be green, blue, or bondo brown. They could have large delivery areas in the backs of pick-ups or small back seats. Regardless, they will get you your important papers faster than anyone else. We know this because our drivers have a higher rate of speeding tickets than any other pizza delivery service."
When asked if they would try to compete with this move, Greg Onionbreath of Papa John's (Better Ingredients, Better Pizza) just laughed. "Our goal is to get you better ingredients on a better pizza. We don't want to expand into a parcel business also. We think, however, that you really should try our new wings!"
Federal Express would not comment on the story, but an executive of the company was seen leaving a National Restaurant Supply store with different pizza oven catalogues. Airborne Express did announce that they will add a pizza line to their service starting in November. Company spokesman Marcus Tunafish said "We are in the final stages of negotiations with Hunts to provide us with an unbelieveable pizza sauce that we believe will blow away the competition. Hormel is going to sell us our different meats and Kraft is under contract for the cheeses. We think that our product will be the one to order and eat while you are reading over the contents of your overnight letter."
U.P.S., with larger trucks than their competitors, is experimenting with installing the ovens directly into the trucks. "We think that we will be faster and fresher than anyone else. Our pizza won't have that soggy feeling from sweating in a hot box for then minutes before getting to your door. It will still have the cheese burning the roof of your mouth sensation that you get from an oven fresh pizza. We are aiming for a late fall start up with our service."
As Domino's also plans to start their service in November, the race is now on to see who will be there first and get the early double delivery money.