Washington -- "There's power in words," says former FEMA Chief Michael Brown, "The ones you put on your resume' can determine your future. Starting today I'll be offering my talents and experience at crafting resume's for individuals seeking lucrative political patronage jobs in Washington DC."
"What people don't ofen realize," said Brown, "Is that employers want to hire people like themselves. If you want to work for a Republican administration, run by some cowboy from Texas, you're going to need experience with horses and ranching prominently displayed on your paper. I'm not shoveling shit on this. Some preppy MBA from Harvard is NOT going to get hired by a man who graduated magna cum barely from Yale. I'm not recommending you should dumb your resume down. You need to be dumb to begin with if you really want to succeed. "A" students usually end up working for "C" students, never forget that!
"Phrasing is all imporant," said Brown. "Use big words. Instead of saying you were a student at some podunk community college, instead, say your were a "Teaching Adjunct" at so-and-so UNIVERSITY. "Instead of 'judging' horse shows, write that you 'adjudicated' them. . A powerful vocabulary will impress someone who doesn't have one, the same way always wearing a starched white shirt, even in a disaster zone, make everyone else feel like the help.
Personal connections are how you get your resume even looked at. For instance, say a brother in "Skull and Crossbones" is now in the White House. You call him up and remind him of the time he vomited into an open convertible after a kegger. At a Republican Party fund-raiser, you ask HIM to hand the party treasurer an envelope containing your cash donation. Whether he passes it along, or pockets it, either way you get credit"
The whole "key" is beating the vetting process, says Brown. If they like you, they're not going to bother to call around and check your references, or job titles. Why should they?" You're just telling them what they wanted to hear, and after you're hired, no one cares anyway.
Brown recommends using words like loyal, trustworthy, team player, and avoiding negative phrases like "independent thinker." Volunteer or Church work is a great place to overstate your qualifications," he adds, having apparently done so himself.
"Another key item," said Brown, "Is never do anything that's too controversial. Go with the flow. Be re-active, not pro-active, and you won't hang your rear out on a limb if the storm in fact passes without hurting anyone. Taking risks only brings big problems when you guess wrong."
"Be sure and use a spell-checker on your resumay too," said Brown. "Never, ever or fax a resume because the paper clip holding the Benjamins to it may get jammed in the machine. Let's face it, there's only one thing more powerful than a good resume, and that's a kickback or bribe. You want a cushy $200,000 a year job? There'd better be at least two hundred Benji's in an unmarked envelope to go along with your resume'!