Written by wadenelson
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Topics: water, New Orleans

Thursday, 8 September 2005

Jefferson Parish -- Entrepreneur Roubideux Barr today began offering liter bottles and gallon jugs of toxic New Orleans floodwater on his website www.bigeasyaqua.com. Flood water taken from various locations in New Orleans is available, including the super-premium "French Quarter Eau." It's mostly rainwater, said Barr, because the French Quarter didn't flood deep enough to develop the body and tails of, say, the heartier 9th Ward "Alligator Stew."

According to Barr, "It's unbelievable. Sales are through the roof. Reportedly, lawyers gearing up to sue the city of New Orleans and various oil companies for exposing residents to toxic chemicals are snapping up thousands of liters as evidence. "Each bottle comes with a certificate of authenticity, says Barr, stating where it was collected and on what date. I suppose it would make good evidence against a company that leaked pollutants."

Barr had expected that "Katrina Hurricanes," a mixed drink with "just a splash" of the floodwater would be popular years from now at Pat O'Briens and other New Orleans Bars. "The alcohol should kill the nasties, I think" said Barr.

There are currently NO federal regulations on bottled water, meaning mountain stream water, municipal tap water, waste water, purified water, even toxic New Orleans sludge can be legally sold as "bottled water

The bottled product, like the New Orleans floodwater itself, reportedly contains high levels of e-coli, lead, and a cholera-like bacteria, along with a "hint" of gasoline. Unlike Mezcal, which guarantees a worm in every bottle, no "critters, body parts, or "brown trout" are guaranteed" with Big Easy Aqua.

The "product" is brown in color, thinner than molasses but thicker than water, typically has a number of "floaters," and has a distinct petroleum smell which mostly covers the dead body aura.

Barr is reportedly rushing to get a million gallons of the water bottled before the city gets pumped out . "Things are going slower than we expected because our inlets keep getting clogged with debris and unmentionables." But at $5 a liter for sewer, I can afford to hire LOTS of unemployed New Orleanians to help me package this stuff.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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