New Orleans -- In a city already beleaguered by looters, flooding, and incompetent FEMA officials, news that $2000 debit cards being given to Hurricane Katrina refugees were NOT issued by Capital One brought further fear and trepidation to residents, and evacuees from New Orleans, as well as Astrodome officials and Houston residents in surrounding neighborhoods.
Said New Orleans Mayor Roy Nagin, "We already got looters in the French Quarter, gunmen at the levee's, and gang bangers rulin' the Superdome. Crazy people shooting at rescue helicopters and attacking newsmen. Now for the Feds to bwe giving some of these folks $2000 is just asking for trouble. You know 'Narlens residents love to party, well, with twenty Benji's in their pockets, the booze and drugs are going to blow the roof right off the Astrodome these folks gonna get so high. You don't believe me, you look at the hole in the Superdome!"
Nagin has already admitted in an NPR interview that "Drugs flow so freely in the Big Easy that it's scary." Nagin has blamed 'edgy addicts' for much of the violence and looting occuring in the New Atlantis. "Now we'll have Ivan the terrible, Attilla the Hun, and all their ugly friends descending on us as well. Giving away free money always causes problems. Like riots."
Exorbitant interest rates, late charges, cash advance "fees" and other predatory practices are what make cards NOT issued by Capitol One less desireable, said Capital One spokeswoman Desiree Liss. "It's not just about not getting your airline miles, or not being able to redeem them." It's about a credit or debit card that eats you alive. They might as well call them alligator cards!"
As reported in other news, the number of Hurricane Katrina "survivors" residing at the Astrodome reportedly quadrupled after the announcement about the "free" debit cards was announced. "If anyone thinks a credit or debit card is free money, well, they must not have graduated 7th grade yet" said Ivan the Terrible.
"We're putting the horde back together again" stated an email Ivan forwarded to the other barbarians, who had been forced by the Bush economy into menial, subservient jobs including Wichita lineman, discount airline steward, bowling shoe sniffer, department store train engineer, and pushcart weiner salesman."
"Frankly, we know we're not management material said one barbarian. We've been praying to our god Thor to bring us salvation. And with Katrina, and these debit cards, he did. Praise be to Thor!"