New Orleans -- Everything's fine. The smell of French cooking and sound of jazz wafting out the windows of clubs in the French Quarter. Locals snickering about the "Blessed relief from tourists" they've finally gotten. Hurricane Katrina, it seems was just a hoax of epic proportion to give New Orleaners a break from tourists who use being away from home as an excuse to drink WAAY too much and act like complete idiots. And raise gas prices nationwide.
Unassociated Press photo editor Uma Bonner began suspecting something was wrong when all of the photos of Katrina's damage came in on film, rather than digitally. Many were black and white, and looked surprisingly reminiscient of Hurricane Camille, which struck the Gulf Coast in 1969. The same beach houses, in the same beachfront locations, appeared to be smashed. Television news anchors doing standups in front of the seashore seemed to have all picked the same locations as "last time," for their breathless, wind-whipped delivery.
The difference? Gas prices up more than a dollar a gallon across the nation. With more than a half-dozen refineries in Louisiana, "Why Not" said governor Louise Almott. The hoax provided plenty of work, in the form of acting calls for extras for swimmers, supposed-looters, and rooftop partiers. "Almost the entire city is helping out in filming of a made-for-TV movie about global warming causing rising oceans to inundate US coastlines. "Why, you could hardly walk down the street without being asked if you'd like to star in the flood movie" said former waitress Tippy Alot. Bass boats, were being let for as much as $1000 a day for "rescue scenes," air boats as much as $2500.
Now that the American public turns mostly to television news to determine the truth, and believes everything Anne Coulter tells it, wars can be fought, missions accomplished, and complex issues like global warming completely eliminated without anybody knowing the difference said Bonner.
Sitting cross-legged on the Court of Two Sisters, sipping a "Katrina" hurricane, Bonner says Exxon, Mobil, BP, and major media outlets conspired to create the whole thing.
A cast of nearly 5000 was promised a "Free Rock Concert by the Rolling Stones, with the only catch being that they had to arrive 2 days early and camp out INSIDE the Superdome for tickets. When the Stones didn't show up, near riots broke out -- all in the view of news crews. "Staged perfectly," if you ask my opinion said one key grip.
Now with the "Mission Accomplished" of raising gas prices to historic levels, things are settling back to normal in New Orleans, things like a murder rate 10X that of the rest of the country, intentional flooding of the French Quarter to wash away all the tourist vomit, as well as the "usual" looting and pillaging in poorer neighborhoods.