BENTONVILLE, Ark. - At the home and worldwide corporate headquarters of the largest, richest, most powerful and populous of the many Corporate States of America, it was announced today, just two mere days after it was declared a nation-an official nation-and got national status and recognition; and just one day after it began to create and increase it's personal army; Walmart has applied for and gotten imperial status!
It has been unanimously declared an empire or superstate, by the combined offices, analyses and official, inspectorial appraisals of the The Order of the Elders of Conglomeration and the Potentates of Crossover Entities.
These immense experts in the field, after studying portions of the worldwide, far-outspread massiveness of Walmart and measuring these and weighing them against it's GNP (Gross National Product) and it's sizable, multinational population, it was judged that Walmart is, indeed, a true superpower!
From the United Corporations Council, located near the UN in New York City, N.Y.; the word has been sent forth that the conglomerate, Walmart, has been further awarded the legal ability to further increase it's standing army and has been allowed to create and strengthen naval and air forces.
Recently, the former owner, President and Chief Executive Officer of the superpower, Jim Walton; scion of a corporate dynasty whose lethal and epic struggles for power and control in the CSA (Corporate States of America) have been the stuff of legend, as has their immense, Hitlerian tyranny throughout the CSA and the world itself; was declared an emperor and was crowned, with the argent, amethystine laurels, in a coronation ceremony in the superpower's capital today.
Walmart's ever-increasing size has begun to encroach and make designs on several similar, yet far smaller and poorer Corporate States, and in a seemingly totalitarian move full of awful portent and possible woe for the remaining stalwart states, has annexed it's vast, Soviet-sized territory, swallowing up whole sections of other corporate states and the protectorates and attached, accumulated territories of it's weaker competitors, further enlarging their already gargantuan superstate.
In Walmart's Territorial Parliament today, sweeping changes were announced for the state and face of the ever-growing empire, whom China's largish corporate states have welcomed, but not with open arms.
Furthermore, several military exhibitions and demonstrations of awesome power, aggrandizement and terrible almightiness and a will to dominate and be worshipped by it's myriads of thralls, were planned for the main streets of the capital, Bentonville (where this reporter is currently stationed and reporting from-with a certain apprehensiveness on his part) on the anniversary of the portentous nativity of their Lord and Savior, the inestimable and almighty founder, Sam Walton.
In other, separate, probably cabal-like cabinets and parliaments and congresses and senates of other corporate states, a certain palpable wearisomeness, matched like luggage with a modicum of wariness, overhung and was present in the capitols of the other corporate states of America today, and diplomatic discussions with the new and unflagging superpower were planned.
No word yet on the possible military plans of these now-oppressed, formerly oppressor states.
It's seems that Walmart has been consistently defying a number of American corporate tenets for many years now, and these are the main reasons why diplomatic talks have been proposed with the superpower. After all, in the Corporate Senate's opinion and decree, "all must obey and abide by the storied laws of our government, which are not subject to change."
Meanwhile, at the signature, flagship first store of Walmart, here in it's birthplace and headquarters of Bentonville, this reporter has bitten the bullet, knuckled under and entered the store and gotten a terrific number of deals, including one on a laptop and some flannel, rolled blankets!
However, as this reporter left the store, an old man pulled me aside, into a dark, lonely, nearby, garbage-strewn, flyblown alley and informed me that, he too, had purchased a furled flannel blanket, and it turned out to be not nearly as large or long as it's rolled up state made it seem! Incredulous, this reporter unfurled his blanket, and witnessed the truth: the damned thing was like the size of a napkin! So, the bastardly tactics of Walmart have finally been exposed...at least, with regard to blankets.
Yet, soldiers march by and this article must end or this reporters faces any number of horrible, torturous, tyrannous consequences! (This reporter believes this may never be published, being in actuality a partial expose of the newly-declared corporate empire, and he thinks he should maybe eat it).