(Published 2017) - LONDON - A second price war has happened within the borders of Britain. Back in '13 it was GAP vs. Peacock (both are clothes stores). Today it is ASDA Vs. Tesco.
Like the previous price war, both transnational corporations are duking it out to get the lowest possible prices, however, like the last one the price war is being fought on the human front.
Yes. Every customer who walks into an ASDA or a Tesco and stays for more that 20 minutes, will automatically be enlisted in the ASDA Regiments or the Tesco Regiments.
"Of course," said Dr. Mark Roberts, retail scientist, "this bodes well for consumers. Every minute the price of a certain thing goes down by a few pence. Why, just now the grapes at Tesco are £2.78, two days ago they were £3.65. Of course, if you are doing the weekly shop, then the chances are you do join the army. It's either fight or starve to death. In 2013, you could buy from an independent store, today... no such luck. The two companies have bought the other leading stores, and a whole host of small, independent stores. However, each army does pay you well. You also get a tenner off your next purchase."
The Tory-Labour government would attempt to stop the Price War, however, the GDP of the country is only half of the monthly turnover of Tesco. So really, they can't do anything.
This reporter went to the front lines.
"Well, y'know," said Derek Hinks, on the ASDA side, "it's a little hard. The only training is from CoD, but they feed us well. Sometimes Tesco-branded aircraft drop off food crates from them. We 'pledge' alliegance to the ASDA cause, but we don't really care. I'm slightly bored of shooting at people."
Indeed, last quarter's war stats have been obtained by this reporter. The dead on either side are nil. Seriously. No-one has fired a shot. The only casulites have been friendly (accidental) fire.
"This is a terrible time for you reporter to be asking questions!" said Field Marshall Craig, "However, yes, I guess. ASDA UK, a subsidy of Wal-Mart International, is not having a good run in the battlefield. I guess, choosing a 20 sq. km area of Birmingham City Centre was not a good idea. Still, they have all the ASDA-branded weaponry they can need."
"This war is, slightly... uhh, uneasy," said Field Marshall Sanjit, "Tesco UK, a subsidy of Tesco International, is feeling the detrimental effects of using ill-prepared civillian warfare. I guess, fighting within a metropolitian area does have its downsides. I mean, both us and ASDA can be sued by the city council for malicious damage to property. That'll be a world of hurt."
As of press time, holy shi--- an Sainbury RPG! I thought Tesco took them over!
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