Written by mickrikko
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Wednesday, 12 January 2011

image for Wonka Factory To Close After "Numerous" Violations
A 12 inch vibrating fun pop - another dubious wonka invention

A multi agency squad of Immigration officers, Health and safety and anti terror officials have completed a raid of the Wonka factory following lengthy surveillance of the site and its workforce.

The factory, famed for its delicious and sometimes staggeringly dangerous array of sweets and candy, had been the subject of investigation following reports that the majority of workers were illegal immigrants. Further suspicion was raised when a number of health code violations were reported following a tour of the site by a group of young children and their parents.

Edward Gouda, Chief of the Chocolate and Terrorism Task Force based in Hartlepool, explained that the list of code violations would see the eccentric chocolatier put away for "a very long time".

"What disgusts me most is his exploitation of these immigrants", explained Mr Gouda. "It's true that things were not too rosy for them in their homeland, but Mr Wonka saw the opportunity to exploit this fact for his own gain, avoiding tax and insurance and illegally smuggling them into the country. He was known to experiment on them by getting them to trial some his 'creations' and he pays them in beans for god's sake".

Numerous health code infractions were also cited, including, but not limited to, the use of vermin in the de-shelling of nuts; the unlicensed use of powerful radioactive televisual cathode rays and unhygienic preparation of chocolate and other confectionery items with whips and waterfalls.

Mr Gouda was pleased by the success of the operation, but believes that lessons ought to be learned. "What this man got away with was crazy, vast underground subsystems of tunnels and workshops, a slave labour workforce and an elevator which appeared to be quite as unhinged as he was. The freedom of private enterprise to operate above the law needs to be kerbed, and this behaviour simply will not be tolerated."

"The man behind the famous chocolate bars will now be behind some other types of bars", said Mr Gouda. "Iron ones, of a jail, and not confectionery type ones", he added unnecessarily.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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