Starbucks, the world's largest coffee maker has dropped its name and the word "coffee" from its ubiquitous cups. This seemingly suicidal move is allegedly only one in a long line of moves that are being made to enable the coffee maker to "move up the vertical" chain from retail coffee to national missile defence.
"Look, our customers can't drink coffee if Iran nukes us, right? So the protection of the customer is in actual fact a part of our vertical. So we're just moving up the value chain. We overcharge a crap-load of money for a cup of coffee...imagine how much we can charge for an actual frikkin missile defence shield. And no we're not afraid of that one original Battlestar Galactica fan who's been trying to sue us over patent on the name for the last 30 years. We're not afraid of Dirk Benedict ," said a spokesman on condition of anonymity.
Aspiring coffee-drinker, missile-defence expert and 8th grader Thabish had this to say, "I think it's a brilliant bold move. By removing their name and the "coffee" tag they can branch out into a bunch of things, including missile defence. Imagine doing that technology demonstration with a row of generals and the rocket having "coffee" and "starbucks" written all over it. I know some are saying that they might just want to start selling tea and juice or something but that kind of lack of vision and ambition is restricted to the Indian foreign office. It's too easy, too obvious, and too small.
Missile defence is the way to go and I'm glad they're considering it.
Starbucks sells nearly 1.4 billion cups at $3 every year with the stupid old logo. All the new business unit needs to do is to sell 3 missiles at $1.4 billion every year. It's that simple. Every outlet need just have one missile interceptor. That'll make a virtually impenetrable grid."
Thabish's optimism is tempered by traditional critics of Starbucks. "Starbucks has great everything… except coffee. A Starbucks missile shield may be ubiquitous, user friendly, have good service where the missile launcher says "Please burn in hell. Thank you" but the missile itself may not be very good," says Bret Jenkins hater of all things Starbucks and secret collector of stamps in the era of email.
While we're forced to admit that Brett has a point there is a significant difference. The world does have good coffee, but no one makes a good missile defence shield. So Starbucks might well be the market leader in the years to come. Plus, all the generals already seem to like their coffee. We were unable to confirm reports that Lockheed Martin was mulling opening a chain of restaurants spinning off from it's highly acclaimed Skunkworks team.