Spoof editor Sir Mark Lowton announced today that he had cleared his storage bank of unclaimed stories on New Year's Eve, thereby beating the increase in the VAT tax by a mere 24 hours!
"Well, " said Lowton, licking the remnants of a well aged cheddar from his thumb, " it's like this. In business, as any capitalist entrepreneur knows ,you can't continue to stock shit that just won't sell, and these stories have been hanging around for over a year and nobody ever read them! The other thing, in this business you can't carry inventory which could go out of date in an hour...especially if I don't get around to publishing it in a timely fashion!"
In addition to stories that were never read, rated let alone one starred, Lowton said he had a 'significant number' of submissions left behind by disgruntled contributors who had moved on for a plethora of reasons, not the least of which was they didn't know how to delete their stories when they left in a huff.
"Hey, " said Lowton, as he peeled yet another pickled egg, " not for nothing, but there's storage fees to be considered, Mate...one can't just leave their shit lying around forever
thinking that, "Oh, yeah, well Old Mark will look after me shite...after all he deals with so much of it every day he'll never notice the odd 2-300 extra stories!"
"Listen, " said the erudite editor with the magic pencil & eraser, " there's plenty of storage bins available for rent all over the world. The same thing happens there when you don't pay your bill, they pop the lock and sell off your shit for whatever they can get fer it!"
Lowton explained the legal process he went through to clean out his files, which was not as easy as it seemed upon first glance.
"Firstly you try to find the Bastards and send them a dunning notice. Some don't ever pick up their mail, some claimed they didn't know how to communicate with the head office, and some had so many identities and URLs I could never put me finger on the C****ts!"
"Finally, thanks to me in house barrister, I got clear title to the crap and put it up on the Antiques Road Show to test the market. Nary a bidder. Ditto for eBay, although there was a moment there I thought I had the whole lot sold to some woman from Manchester who wanted to buy the whole lot using her M&S card until her husband threatened to kill me, piss on me body, and set my dick on fire if I did the deal!"
"Luckily, I was finally able to unload the whole lot to a discount humour site in India.
Yes, it was for only Peanuts, but look at it like this, I got rid of the inventory, I won't be taxed on shit going nowhere, and I got a good write off by donating the peanuts to the Oasis Bar & Grill where the bar manager was glad to put them out for happy hour!"
Just goes to show: One person's shite is another person's bread & butter!