The executives at tax preparation fossil H&R Block have come up with a brilliant strategy to build their business and increase profits:
We're thrilled that you decided not to pull your advertising, even though you are spoofily ragged on on a daily basis.
Mazel-tov, f--kers. See you in Hell.
They're giving away their service. For free.
"It's genius," said CEO Alan Bennett, Chairman Richard Breeden's butt-monkey. "We overcharge for our service, and can't rape our clients with high-interest rate Refund Anticipation Loans any more, why not give the sh-t away?"
"We'll find different ways to gouge them."
H&R Block has also wasted tons of cash on their recently-launched marketing campaign on the internet, targeting taxpayers who will almost certainly use Turbotax:
"Come into H&R Block, sit with one of our well-trained octogenarian tax professionals, get your return done, and don't pay us a cent. Plus, we have yummy coffee."
The devil is in the details, however: Or, in this case, in the fine print:
You qualify for the free return if;
Your filing status is Single or Married Filing Jointly;
You have no dependents/children;
You claim the standard deduction (meaning, you don't itemize);
You have no mortgage payment;
You have taxable income of less than $40,000;
Your last name begins with a "Z";
Your address is an even number;
You are older than your tax professional (editor: Fat f--king chance);
You donated bone marrow, a kidney, or at least 50% of your liver in the past 36 hours.
If not, H&R Block's standard, and incredibly expensive, schedule of rates apply.
"Oh, they are brilliant," said Howard Schultz, Chairman, President and CEO of Starbucks, whose company is one sh-tty innovation away from walking in HRB's shoes. "In fact, our new business model will include free coffee, scones, and those stupid porcelain coffee cups we sell."
"We'll be charging $385.30 for each package of Sugar in the Raw, however."