Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: HR block

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

image for H&R Block Builds Business By Giving Away Their Service For Free. Wait... What?

The executives at tax preparation fossil H&R Block have come up with a brilliant strategy to build their business and increase profits:

Welcome H&R Block to Thespoof.com's Family Of Advertisers!
We're thrilled that you decided not to pull your advertising, even though you are spoofily ragged on on a daily basis.
Mazel-tov, f--kers. See you in Hell.


They're giving away their service. For free.

"It's genius," said CEO Alan Bennett, Chairman Richard Breeden's butt-monkey. "We overcharge for our service, and can't rape our clients with high-interest rate Refund Anticipation Loans any more, why not give the sh-t away?"

"We'll find different ways to gouge them."

H&R Block has also wasted tons of cash on their recently-launched marketing campaign on the internet, targeting taxpayers who will almost certainly use Turbotax:

"Come into H&R Block, sit with one of our well-trained octogenarian tax professionals, get your return done, and don't pay us a cent. Plus, we have yummy coffee."

The devil is in the details, however: Or, in this case, in the fine print:

You qualify for the free return if;

Your filing status is Single or Married Filing Jointly;
You have no dependents/children;
You claim the standard deduction (meaning, you don't itemize);
You have no mortgage payment;
You have taxable income of less than $40,000;
Your last name begins with a "Z";
Your address is an even number;
You are older than your tax professional (editor: Fat f--king chance);
You donated bone marrow, a kidney, or at least 50% of your liver in the past 36 hours.
If not, H&R Block's standard, and incredibly expensive, schedule of rates apply.

"Oh, they are brilliant," said Howard Schultz, Chairman, President and CEO of Starbucks, whose company is one sh-tty innovation away from walking in HRB's shoes. "In fact, our new business model will include free coffee, scones, and those stupid porcelain coffee cups we sell."

"We'll be charging $385.30 for each package of Sugar in the Raw, however."

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