Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

image for Apple Signs Lindsay Lohan to Market the New APod
Smaller than this music-only model, the APod is truly an ankle strapper.

Unable to keep a lid on the secretive and lucrative contract or the development of their newest product, insiders at Apple's marketing department were giddy at the opportunity to feature Ms. Lohan pitching their newest technology, the AnklePod or "APod" for short.

Combining the best features for music playback with the added benefit of being the world's smallest cellular phone, the smaller than business card sized APod easily and lightly straps to the ankle, communicating to powerful ear buds via wireless connection. Though pictures of the hot new device have not been released to the press, the reported features are impressive, including voice activation of the phone through the ear buds, GPS capability with auditory guidance to your respective destination.

"Ms. Lohan was the perfect spokeswoman", says new marketing V.P. Ken Yadoomi. "She is well practiced in wearing ankle bracelets, concealing things on her person quite well and was clearly amenable to doing whatever it takes to earn a paycheck again. That is, whenever she gets out of rehab". Asked how the APod fit with the rest of Apple's product line, Yadoomi replied, "It's a great music and phone companion piece to the IPad, which is more of a visual/web platform".

Early blog responses to the new product seem to support Yadoomi's perspective. One popular blog thread says, "For porn, it's the IPad for sure. For making crank calls to an ex-girlfriend with the convenience of not reaching for a phone, it's the APod. Of course you look like you're insane out in public, yelling at the air"

Apple not able to work yet with Lohan for mock ups of the first advertising campaign, Spencer Pratt, who was of similar height, effeminate build and in desperate need of a paycheck himself, was reportedly an adequate stand in. Neatly hidden under a pair of jeans or barely visible thanks to its flesh tone color, the APad performed well when walking, running, or when dancing like a pole twisting stripper. The voice activation feature of the APad, and the lightweight ear buds made body movement easy and music and phone usage convenient. "This is really cool", said Pratt. "Can I be in the video instead?"

The APad is set for release later in the year, as soon as Lohan can participate in the video shoot without passing out or losing her balance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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