Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 4 January 2011

image for Florida's Orange Crop in Peril, Brazil Makes Lemonade
Screw those oranges. Drink Lemonade!

Still uncertain as to the extent of the frost damage expected from Florida's current orange crop, Brazil, the world's largest exporter of lemons, is preparing to fill the citrus void with a U.S. national advertising campaign featuring lemonade as an alternate breakfast drink.

Brazilian advertising executive, Paulo Bomfim says, "Yes, we are consumer testing multiple tag lines and trademarks now, including 'Don't Forget Your Morning Kiss', a bit of a play on the fact that you can't avoid a puckered face. Or one targeted at school kids like, 'Don't Forget Your Mother, Pucker!', but our American lemon juice distributors didn't care much for that one".

Orange producers are outraged over the foreign fruit invasion into their home markets. "Tell those fruits to GO HOME. We won't have as much product as usual, and sure the price may rise for a season, but that's no reason to dump orange juice all together", says a frustrated Tropicana executive. "Orange juice for breakfast, is simply, gosh damn it, an American tradition, served by mothers to children as part of a balanced breakfast here for more than a 100 years. What can you actually do with a lemon anyway?"

Bomfim replied, "Make lemonade! You can't drink lemon juice straight compared to orange juice, you have to add some sugar and some water, but it will be a much cheaper way to get your vitamin C, and it mixes really well with Jack Daniels for some reason. It's the perfect juice".

Success of the advertising campaign or increases in lemon juice consumption are in question, as Florida Orange Producers are lobbying congress for an increase in import taxes on Brazilian lemons. Critics for an open market economy are crying "foul", but orange growing conglomerates claim "all is fair in love, war, and breakfast food". Representative for the Florida Orange Growers, Mel Anoma replied, "Ah, they're all just bitter".

The new legislation is expected to be called the "Mother's Pucker Tax".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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