It would seem that retailers Nationwide are peeing their respective pants at the copious amounts of money pouring through their swipe machines as the Nation goes sale crazy-on credit!
Reports are flooding in from across the land regarding the mega hordes descending upon umpteen equally mega shopping malls, some of which have had to call the Army out to control the stampeding hordes. Apparently, things got so out of control at Meadowhall, Sheffield that security guards were issued with guns and live ammunition and told to 'shoot to wound' (preferably in the nether regions)any out of control raving lunatic shopper who would not calm down.
Needless to say, the Police were not too happy about this arangement as technically it made their elite armed response units look even more impotent than usual-sans the next terrorist swoop of course. However, a spokesman for West Yorkshire Police, Anwar al-Awalki, told our reporter: "Well, look on the bright side, if anyone is seriously hurt as a direct result of gunfire at least the IPCC can't blame our lads!"
In London's 'fashionable' shopping area, Oxford Street many desperate punters had started queuing outside shops the minute they had closed on Christmas Eve! Surviving on a diet of rats,leftover McDonalds burgers and washed down with slush scooped from the snow infested gutters, most managed to survive until 10am Boxing Day morning when shagged out, indifferent staff reluctantly opened up for business, again!
Many weaker sale-aholics simply passed over and were hurriedly trampled upon and left unattended in the street until such time as Westminster City Council could locate enough ethnic street cleaners to remove the frozen bodies.
Braving the elements and the crowds, the best she could, our roving reporter, Felicity Fester, vainly attempted to 'interview' a few punters to ascertain the extent of the actual savings they had made. Finding one such winner hastily filling her NEXT bag to the brim in a corner of Primark Felicity was suddenly taken by suprise by a couple a Romanian pickpockets who whipped her panties and bra off before she could cry for help. Feeling a sudden gust of wind up her crotch piece Felicity dropped her microphone and was last seen punching her way through the crowds and heading for ladies ligerie in a vain attempt to buy some knickers!
Meanwhile,at the Bullring in Birmingham the third Battalian Irish Guards were holding the line firm despite overwhelming odds, the like of which had not been seen since the Zulu wars and in particular rorks drift 1879!
Private, Bernard Braindead told our roving eye candy, Sharon Kravsit, "Cor, you ain't arf got lovely tits and legs, fancy a shag after the shops is shut tonight?" As he went down under the weight of Sharon's microphone she attempted to get a more civilised answer from Major Reginald Smythe-Dickie retired, late of HM pleasure at Wormwood Scrubs for kerb crawling an choir boy molestation. Asked for his opinion of the chaos on view Smythe-Dickie replied: "By jove my sweet, are those breasts natural or silicone enhanced, I might also compliment you on your divine derriere, might I invite you to my boudier later tonight for some under duvet maneuvers my dear?" Keeling over and passing out with the impact of Sharon's size 6 Jimmy Choo shoe to the groin she moved onward, fending off numerous roving, grouping hands from the sex starved lads in uniform.
The Arndale Centre, Manchester reported the largest casualty figures for the day, 69. However, most were minimum wage security guards who had simply given up or fallen foul to vast armies of chavs and unmarried mothers charging in with thousands of pushchairs around at full pelt. "It were like that scene out of fooking Ben Hur mate" said one injured guard, Frederick Forlorn, "like a fooking chariot race we never stood a fooking chance,poor old Cyril over there got a McLaren triple right in his fooking meat and two veg, poor bugger will need transplant after the damage that's done him!"
But of course, not everyone was frantically searching for bargains, back at Number 10 the usual suspects, including George 'not a fecking clue' Osborne, had their respective feet up while sipping top of the range spirits and enjoying the mayhem courtesy of SKY News. As the various amounts of money being spent were flashed across the 84 inch LG tv screen and regularly updated, George gleefully deducted said amounts from the national debt! Beaming like a demented cheshire cat George estimates that when the dust has finally settled and people are totally drained of any and monies we shall only owe a further £178 trillion...nice one George.
As is usual with these Con/Lib dimwits nobody has bothered to think beyond January 1st when VAT AT 20% kicks in, most of this credit card nation will be up to it's bollocks/fanny in debt, shops will be reporting a major slump in customers and looking to shed staff, part time pre-Christmas staff will be battling their way back to the Jobcentres, untility bills will arrive and not be able to be met, Unions will be on the warpath...and, as the late great Sonny Bono wrote/sang with his delightful wife Cher......"and the beat goes on........roll on the revolution comrades!!!"
SKY TV New cougar Kay Burley always thinks ahead and is thus prepared, she never wears panties when in the field!